That's Horoscopes: January 2018

By Noelle Mateer, January 5, 2018

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Finally a horoscope that understands your life in China.


Capricorn

12.22-1.20

The planets have aligned to spell: ‘ YOLO .’ Whenever somebody questions you, utter YOLO or, alternatively, say yes to everything. Club on a Monday night? YOLO. A black taxi charges you 100 kuai to go home? Yes.


Aquarius

1.21-2.19

It’s not a good month to sign any contracts or make any commitments other than the one to your new ayi. Communicate only via cat stickers and emojis, and always alternate between the two with each reply.


Pisces

2.20-3.20

You will drop another iPhone into the toilet – the second in two months. But who’s counting, amirite Pisces? Hot tip: zip your pockets up for once and maybe buy a Samsung.


Aries

3.21-4.20

The random guy/gal you made out with on NYE will turn out to be either the love of your life – or your worst enemy. If the party you attended on December 31 was downtown, the latter is more likely


Taurus

4.21-5.21

Beware of unwanted visitors from your past. To avoid detection, wear an elaborate wig during daylight hours and affect a heavy Aussie accent. Livestream your antics under the name ‘Wiggy,’ but quit after nobody sends you any virtual gifts.


Gemini

5.22-6.21

Your chatty nature is usually a hit with taxi drivers who want to practice their English, but dial it back this month. Nobody cares you went to Bali over the break and ‘found yourself.’


Cancer

6.22-7.22

That new bike you bought is one of those recycled stolen ones. Keep it. Buy an expensive bike lock off Taobao and feel anxious every time you hear the song ‘What Goes Around, Comes Around’ by Justin Timberlake.


Leo

7.23-8.23

Your star, the sun, is not out, so put those guns away and put on a goddamn jacket for once. There are plenty of attention-grabbing coats for sale at Carrefour. Beware of buttons and mirrors.


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Virgo

8.24-9.23

That perfect-looking person on Tinder actually lives in a tiny apartment full of mushrooms (not that kind). Swipe left – you’ll know who it is. During the full moon, eat only round-shaped foods, like fantuan or pizza.


Libra

9.24-10.23

You can’t decide on a New Year's resolution, so let the stars make one for you: Spend three-quarters of your salary on organic produce from your local farmer’s market that will eventually rot in your fridge.


Scorpio

10.24-11.22

Start the New Year off with a bang. But don’t light fireworks because it's illegal now. RSVP to all invites, get invited to party’s WeChat group, and then cancel one day in advance.


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Sagittarius

11.23-12.21

The reason you can’t find a new job is because you keep getting embarrassingly drunk while “networking” at InterNations events. Sign up to a job site instead. Overstate your Chinese-speaking abilities when asked.

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