Finally a horoscope that understands your life in China.
Virgo
8.24-9.23
Big changes are on the horizon, and you’re feeling a bit out of place. Have a bath (if you can find a bathtub), Skype with your mom and destress by playing with one of those fake-looking tiny poodles everyone has in Beijing. It might like you, which will give you a necessary ego boost.
Libra
9.24-10.23
Just back from a trip off the mainland? You’ve arrived in the ’Jing just in time to soak up the last of the summer heat and celebrate your month in style. Get to at least 18 rooftops this month and you might even find an RMB20 bill on one of them. Score!
Scorpio
10.24-11.22
OK, so you’re having some money issues. This is totally, completely and absolutely fine and so normal for everyone your age. Right?! Don’t let this trade war slow down your own consumption. Head to El Barrio for ladies’ night on Thursday (that freefree-flow prosecco has your name all over it) and live your best life via theirqianbao-friendly drinks.
Sagittarius
11.23-12.21
Your newly established skills of pointing, nodding and paying will be put to the ultimate test when you visit a Chinese hairdresser in the near future. Don’t forget to throw in a smile and a xiexie, or you’ll leave with no hair at all.
Capricorn
12.22-1.20
All your prayers have been answered because there is romance in your future. While it certainly seems to us like Mars is influencing your love life right now, it’s pretty difficult to see the planets through all this Beijing smog.Manzou!
Aquarius
1.21-2.19
There’s action, adventure, excitement, ancient quests, heroes and villains in your future… oh wait, you’re just going to the cinema to see Nezha again. Get your tickets on WeChat (what can’tthis app do?) for a fortuitous discount.
Pisces
2.20-3.20
You’re feeling just a touch too warm this month due to the not so harmonic convergence of Mercury and Saturn. Work out where exactly the new ‘high-cool’ carriages (Lines 2, 6 and 13) stop at your subway station and you’ll have officially beaten the universe.
Aries
3.21-4.20
Mid-Autumn Festival is en route and you will be inundated with different invitations and plans. Stock up on mooncakes and gift one to each person you turn down so they won’t shun you when the next holiday rolls up.
Taurus
4.21-5.21
Even the slightest misstep could set you back years in personal development. Don’t forget to check absolutely everything you do exactly eight (what an auspicious number!) times, and then double check with the eight people who follow you on Weibo.
Gemini
5.22-6.21
A mother and child duo who live in your area will take this month to try out their English skills on you, in preparation for the small human’s return to education. Ready yourself with highly visible headphones and an I-just-smelt-stinky-tofu expression and you’ll successfully escape three times out of ten.
Cancer
6.22-7.22
So the feral hutong cat’s out of the bag – we know you have a secret. It’s okay, we understand why you can’t tell anyone, but you need to unburden yourself if you want to get anything done this month. Try pouring your heart out to your local jianbing vendor and hope they don’t understand.
Leo
7.23-8.23
You’ll have some old friends visiting this month and will need to show them a good time or, sorry to say, the friendship will become the dust that coats your floor (omg, find an ayi already). Take them to try the burgers at Mosto’s tasty new venture Burger Box and you can lock in another two years of contact.
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