12 Totally Wacky Taobao Gifts for Christmas 2019

By Bryan Grogan, Ryan Gandolfo and Naomi Lounsbury, December 6, 2019

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The older we get, the harder we find it to buy unique gifts for loved ones. Nowhere is quite as ‘unique’ (mild description) as the ecommerce safari known as Taobao. We spent the past few days trawling the weird, wonderful and disturbing recesses of the online shopping site for gifts that will astonish your friends and family this Christmas. 

You’re welcome. 

1. Portable Urinal 

Image via Taobao

Have a friend with a small bladder who also happens to be a road warrior? If so, this portable bathroom might be the gift for them. Suitable for both men and women, we dare you to give it a try on your next taxi ride – you won’t.

Good for: Small bladders, people on-the-go who have ‘to go’
Price: RMB29.80
To purchase, search ‘应急小便器’ on Taobao.

2. Avocado Handwarmer

Image via Taobao

This is the classic 'take something boring and make it less boring' product. How can you make handwarmers fun? Ah! Let’s shape it like an avocado. Arguably the best part about gifting this present is that the giftee won’t have a clue what this device is for. “Just turn it on.” “It’s an avocado, Greg.”  

Good for: Avocado lovers, cold hands
Price: RMB89
To purchase, search ‘牛油果充电宝暖手’ on Taobao.

3. The Manly Pillow

Image via Taobao

Husband away on a business trip again? Don’t have a partner but find yourself desiring a real hunk to hold you through the night? If so, this pillow is the perfect gift for you or that lonely soul in your friend circle. The manly hulk-like cushion comes with half an eight-pack, big pecks and buff arms to make you feel safe (or silly). 

Good for: Breakups, desperate times
Price: RMB38
To purchase, search ‘男朋友手臂造型肌肉男毛’ on Taobao.

4. Finger-Controlled Drone

Image via Taobao

While we can’t guarantee this product will last long, the finger-controlled drone will certainly provide some fun entertainment as you try (and fail) to control it. How well does it work? Just ask this family below…

Image via Taobao

Good for: Hand-eye coordination, killing time
Price: RMB129-174
To purchase, search ‘玩具男孩10岁以上抖音同款7男童12小孩6生日11网红’ on Taobao.

5. 3D Corn T-Shirt

Image via Taobao

Maybe you want to get that special someone in your life something corny – we don’t judge. Well, there's arguably nothing cornier then a corn T-shirt. If you're looking to make a statement this holiday season, this is it, whether that statement is good or not is really up for debate. But, there's a 15% chance people will laugh – and we’ll take those odds.

Good for: Corny jokes, Nebraskans
Price: RMB65
To purchase, search ‘玉米衣服’ on Taobao.

6. Instant Noodle Purse

Image via Taobao

We’ve seen instant noodles being used to fix furniture and pesky holes, now the iconic noodle pattern is being used as inspiration for women’s purses. Our only question: Why did it take so long? 

Good for: Foodie fashionistas, one-off social media posts
Price: RMB39.9

To purchase, search ‘方便面挎包’ on Taobao.

7. Smartphone Table 

Image via Taobao

We for one love our smartphone. Gone are the days of furniture being made to resemble old books; bleugh, what a horrible idea. Give praise to the smartphone industry with this table and establish it with pride of place in your living room so your friends know you’re hip. 

Good for: People who literally have everything, phone addicts
Price: RMB1,598-1,798

To purchase, search ‘威雷泰欣现代’ on Taobao.

8. Eye Massager

Image via Taobao

Another perfect gift for the phone addict in your life. After spending all day scrolling through your moments on WeChat, checking out the trending topics on Weibo and giggling at all the bizarre gizmos that Taobao has to offer, sit back, relax and let this machine massage your eyes. This doesn’t scare us at all. 

Good for: Risk-takers, phone addicts
Price: RMB399
To purchase, search ‘眼睛按摩’ on Taobao.

9. Blood-Stained High Tops

Image via Taobao

Are you a butcher who spends too much time slaughtering chicken and pigs? Running through your favorite pair of shoes at a rate of knots? With these super-stylish, not-disturbing trainers, you can now explain away those blood stains. Now you just have to wait for blood-spattered T-shirts and jeans to come into style. 

Good for: Butchers, CSI fanatics
Price: RMB108
To purchase, search ‘血迹斑斑高帮爆改鞋子’ on Taobao.

10. Pet Paw Cleaner

Image via Taobao

Sure, yeah, use this. Your pets will love it. Obviously. I mean, come on. Small animals love weird mechanical objects and sticking their paws into small spaces. This is so obviously not sarcasm. We really think this is a great idea. 

Good for: Pet owners who like being scratched, small animals (lol jk)
Price: RMB89
To purchase, search ‘宠物自动洗脚’ on Taobao.

11. Pikachu Art

pixa-pika.jpgImage via Taobao

This piece of cross stitch embroidery is masterfully done to give Pikachu an awesomely realistic appearance. It is an ideal gift for a loved one or friend when you just aren’t sure what to get them. And let’s be honest, who doesn’t need the sultry face of the most-beloved Pokemon ever looking down on them as they entertain. Invite your mother-in-law over for tea to truly enjoy the power of this piece of art.

Good for: Home decoration, inciting your mother-in-law’s rage
Price: RMB39

To purchase, search ‘钻石画2019年新款满钻皮卡丘5D比卡超十字绣’ on Taobao.

12. Sandal Phone Case

sandal-phone.jpegImage via Taobao

This fantastic phone case will cause barrels of laughter as you put your ‘shoe’ on the table during dinner. Kids will love it, and probably imitate you as you get a ‘foot-ful’ while taking a call (not that anyone actually talks on the phone anymore). Plus, the loop for the sandal makes it super easy not to drop your phone. (Disclaimer: only available for iPhones.)

Good for: Hipsters, starting bad trends
Price: RMB25.5
To purchase, search ‘手机壳液态硅胶软保护套网红创意搞怪拖鞋搞’ on Taobao.

For more ‘Hot on Taobao,’ click here

[Cover image via Unsplash]

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