Dear Jamie is a regular series where our readers seek advice from Jamie, a Guangdong-based life coach.
Dear Jamie,
I don’t know if you’ve spent much time with older Chinese, but so far my experience with my 60-something Chinese in-laws has been extremely frustrating.
They often come to our apartment unannounced and act like it’s theirs, using our kitchen to make meals without asking and inviting their friends over to play poker until midnight.
I studied Chinese culture in college and know that I should be understanding of Chinese family values. I genuinely like my in-laws as people – they’re more easy-going than my own parents. It’s just too much to have them at our house so often and I think it’s disrespectful that they don’t give us any notice.
I’ve talked to Chinese friends and they tell me that now, most younger generations refuse to live with their parents and that my in-laws seem “especially traditional.” How can I explain this to my spouse without coming across as insensitive?
-Desperate in Dongshan
Dear Desperate,
There are two ways to tackle this problem, one more insensitive than the other. Let’s start with the more mature approach: sit your significant other down and explain why you are unhappy with unannounced visits from the in-laws. I’d recommend giving your spouse some perspective by explaining how your family operates back home and what you’d expect of your own parents in a similar situation. This should illustrate your expectations without coming across as obtuse and demanding.
The other option is to make the in-laws so uncomfortable with the situations they walk in on that they eventually dread visiting you. There is a myriad of ways to do this, but might I recommend blasting loud or offensive music (Metallica and Tupac come to mind) during these late-night poker games? It’s bound to break them eventually – if it doesn’t break your neighbor first.
-Jamie
Got a pickle? Jamie has got a hamburger at Jamieinchina@outlook.com
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