Here’s a secret: the people that make your drinks always judge you, but not for the reasons you might think. We’ll judge you if you’re a shitty customer who thinks snapping is the best way to get the staff’s attention, or if you cause a scene because the bar doesn’t do English teacher discounts, just like we’ll judge you favorably if you’re polite or buy us a round. For better or worse, we’re always sizing people up.
Contrary to popular belief though, we’re not going to judge you based on your drink. We’re like doctors of the alcoholic world: we’ve seen it all. If a guy wants to order a Cosmo or Daiquiri then fuck yeah, we make the drink, you give us the money and that’s all. However, if you think a certain drink threatens your masculinity, then maybe you’re not mature enough to be in a bar in the first place.
Consider this. Sometimes, a man might be in a relationship with a wonderful girl and he wants her to insert something in his posterior, much like the famous pegging scene from Deadpool (Google it when you’re not at work). Does that make him gay? No, because the prostate is awesome. If a man wants to order a shot of Malibu, does that make him gay? Heck no; Malibu is awesome (to him). Just like there are women who love whisky and super peaty Scotch, would it make them any less hetero if they dig lesbian porn? This is 2017, of course not.
In this day and age, if you have friends who tell you that you’re gay for liking a certain drink, song, or movie, don’t listen to them – the homophobes are usually the closeted ones anyway.
Though if you are a committed bro’s bro who doesn’t like whisky or other manly men drinks, then talk to a bartender you trust about it. Find out your flavor palate. Maybe you hate whisky because the idea of a smoky Scotch doesn’t sit with you, but something like a smooth, triple distilled Irish whisky might be the thing you never knew you were into (like the prostate).
One of the most well meaning but stupidest questions I get in the bar is, ”What’s your best drink?” There are so many different drinks that it’s hard to say what’s ‘best’ – we need feedback and input, and then with some skill, it’s easy to make something we think you’ll enjoy. There are so many flavor combinations out there, what’s good to you might not appeal to other people, and that’s what makes going to the bar great.
Like sex and drinking, experiment – find out what works and doesn’t work for you. Some people are kinky in bed and vanilla in the bar (and vice versa). As the Greeks so succinctly put it: know thyself, and order a mojito if that’s your heart’s desire.
No matter what you order, the bartender isn’t going to think you’re gay, but we might still think you’re a douchebag.
Logan R. Brouse, proprietor and mixologist of Logan’s Punch Bar, has run bars and clubs in Shanghai for over six years. In between hangovers, he puts pen to paper to record his pontifications on the drink industry.
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