Finally a horoscope that understands your life in China.
Aquarius
1.21-2.19
You may regret agreeing to be a bridesmaid at your friend’s wedding after you discover that she just wants to set you up with the best man. Give it a chance – he’s also into Chinese rockers P.K. 14.
Pisces
2.20-3.20
Do what you always do: swim deep, but not too deep, or else you will get hypothermia or dysentary and maybe die. Your nearest lake is either freezing or polluted. Check out your local pool instead.
Aries
3.21-4.20
The Lunar New Year has got you second-guessing yourself. Should you stay in China? Adopt a dog or a cat? Relax; just remember that nothing you do really matters in the end. Happy New Year!
Taurus
4.21-5.21
When your Chinese girlfriend’s dad keeps refilling your baijiu glass during CNY, don’t try and be a hero: Just say no. You may lose face but you will keep your liver. Double the hongbao amount you planned to give.
Gemini
5.22-6.21
You’re feeling a little anti-social and moody this month. Change your WeChat handle to your name and ‘ – away until forever,’ and spend every evening guiltily binge-watching whatever TV program Angelababy is starring in on Bilibili.
Cancer
6.22-7.22
Chinese New Year is all about family. Sadly, yours live on the opposite side of the world and don’t celebrate the holiday, anyway. Shame. Hang around your neighbor’s apartment until they invite you to join in their festivities.
Leo
7.23-8.23
Turn that self-loathing into self-love. Start taking yoga classes but drop out after you realize the teacher only speaks Chinese. Buy a gratitude journal. Throw it out after you’re repeatedly at a loss for what to write.
Virgo
8.24-9.23
Become addicted to watching Chinese beauty vloggers but refrain from buying anything they promote. You’re too broke for that. Wear activewear every day but never go for a run or step foot in a gym.
Libra
9.24-10.23
Don’t worry if you find yourself feeling off-balance. It’s to do with the Lunar New Year, or scales, or something. Hit up a pub, or a club, depending on what kind of Libra you are, and you’ll be in equilibrium in no time.
Scorpio
10.24-11.22
Your roommates are annoying, but leaving aggressive notes on their dirty dishes and throwing loud parties isn’t the answer. Neither is advertising for new roommates in all your WeChat groups. Or selling their crap.
Sagittarius
11.23-12.21
Where you at this month, crazy Sag? Someone is looking for you. That someone may or may not be your landlord, whom you owe two months of backpay rent. Get your sh*t together.
Capricorn
12.22-1.20
This month is just like Forrest Gump’s mom always said. Life is like a box of baozi; you never know what you’re going to get. Pork? Vegetables? Choose jiaozi.
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