Horoscopes: October 2020

By Larold Davidson, October 9, 2020

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Finally, a horoscope that understands your life in China. 



Stop being so dramatic – you don’t have to tell everyone (including your ayi and the bao’an) that you and your paoyou broke up. You were barely even together. Your heart isn’t even cracked, let alone broken. You got more of an emotional high from your best friend’s reaction than you ever did from your three weeks of ‘dating.’ 



Your spirit food is roasted goose and your spirit drink is liangcha. You’ve got China knowledge down pat. There is nothing more you need except maybe to learn to read Chinese characters. 




Major changes are coming to your love life. You have started to develop feelings for your partner that you’d never thought you’d be feeling. Unfortunately, these feelings could also be the result of passing a kidney stone, so you should probably get that checked out. 



Your chronic bronchitis is acting up again. Go see the doctor about getting some non-invasive meds before people start giving you weird looks at Halloween pub quiz night. And no, yelling at people who move away from you on the metro isn’t the best way to cope with your constant cough.



It’s time to get a real job in China. No, livestreaming and ‘modeling’ occasionally doesn’t count. Your significant other is beginning to get fed up with your leisurely laowai lifestyle.



Russian interference, COVID-19, Jeffrey Epstein, Area 51, the US post office, murder hornets. These all fuel your fire, you weird little conspiracy theorist, you. We love you anyways, but hold back a bit before you tell us that Donald Trump is communicating with aliens. (Mitch McConnell on the other hand…)



Stop messaging the person that expressed interest in a threesome a year ago. Your significant other is getting annoyed and will make your life hell if you keep lowkey talking to someone who has outright asked for a menage a trois.



You have discovered the joy of Sichuan spicy beef jerky and you will never again go back to the mediocrity of other Chinese snack foods. “Sichuan beef jerky 24/7!” will become your motto. It also helps with your anemia.



As an amateur economist, you are constantly thinking about supply and demand. This is probably your last opportunity to go for a career change and get a ultra high salary as an English teacher because face it, there are so few left in China.



Yes, you hate costume parties, but Halloween is coming up at the end of the month. Time to start filling your cart up on Taobao to find a perfect 2020 costume. Please don’t dress up as a Minion or Mario and Luigi, those ships have sailed. 



You haven’t gone back to your favorite Sichuan hot pot since you learned they reuse their oil. but you miss it oh so bad. It may be time to try the hot pot again after all this time. After all, you are a huiyuan (member).




There’s a proverb in Chinese that describes your month perfectly, yi yan ji chu, si ma nan zhui (一言既出驷马难追). It means that once you say something, you can’t go back. You may make promises or say things this month that will haunt you, so think before you speak. 

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