Finally, a horoscope that understands your life in China.
Pisces
2.20-3.20
Pisces – you’re hankering to play matchmaker, aren’t you? Well, set your friends up and you may be rewarded with a romantic surprise of your own. If your date suggests eating at your favorite burger joint, they’re The One. Dates at bars are inauspicious.
Aries
3.21-4.20
Get your shit together this month. Do some Spring cleaning. You should either organize your desk or quit all the spam-riddled WeChat groups you’re in. But misfortune will befall you if you quit any group chats with 13 people in them on the 13th.
Taurus
4.21-5.21
Sorry, Taurus – he or she is just not that into you. This month, you will get rejected by a crush, but not to worry – you’ll experience a surge in romantic interest after an exciting night out downtown. Talking to a stranger at a dumpling house may lead to good fortune.
Gemini
5.22-6.21
Trouble in your celestial house of communications means a misunderstanding will arise in the middle of the month. Seek help from the friendly stranger you will meet at your local coffee shop. Don’t eat hot pot this month, or else.
Cancer
6.22-7.22
This month, you will open up emotionally to someone in your life. Make it your ayi? You’ve been meaning to practice your Chinese more, anyway. Eat hand-pulled noodles on the third of the month, and you’ll find an item you’d previously thought was gone forever.
Leo
7.23-8.23
You will be pushed out of your comfort zone soon. Gird yourself for upcoming challenges with the teaching of Confucius, or inspirational quotes on Pinterest or something – we don’t really know. Drink baijiu on the 18th.
Virgo
8.24-9.23
You’ve focused all your energy on pleasing others, so take some time for yourself! Go to that spa you've been eying. Or not, it’s your life. Beware of taxi drivers wearing red jackets.
Libra
9.24-10.23
Time to flirt! You are glowing this month, and suitors will go out of their way to speak with you. Do not, however, mistake men in bars for suitors – they just want you to drink Qingdaos in their seedy establishments.
Scorpio
10.24-11.22
It’s time to look deep into yourself and figure out what you really want. Or you can pay one of those fortune tellers outside the Lama Temple to do it for you – your choice. Drinking Yanjing during the full moon will bring you good fortune.
Sagittarius
11.23-12.21
You want a raise? Then go get a raise! You deserve it, and your work achievements have been stellar lately. Just don’t ask for one if the AQI is over 333. Walk backwards into your office for good luck.
Capricorn
12.22-1.20
Get your colored pencils or calligraphy brush, because mid-March you will reach your creative peak. Should you become a start-up nerd? Maybe! Stars indicate that you’ll be sharing your good news with others at the end of the month – sounds like a start-up nerd to us.
Aquarius
1.21-2.19
Your March will come in like a lion and go out like a lamb – not to use hackneyed phrases in your horoscope but, well, here we are. Weather the hectic beginning of the month with booze.
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