That's Horoscopes: January 2019

By Dominic Ngai, January 2, 2019

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Finally, a horoscope that understands your life in China.


Capricorn

12.22-1.20

Try to memorize the lyrics to a song by Amei or Jacky Cheung for the pre-CNY karaoke gathering with your coworkers. Your Chinese boss will be so impressed, and he’ll hand you a big fat hongbao. 


Aquarius

1.21-2.19

When asked about your New Year’s resolution, try not to say you want to improve your Chinese again. We all know you still can’t order dim sum without switching back to English. 


Pisces

2.20-3.20

Donate 50 percent of your Ofo deposit refund to a local charity and buy your colleagues a round of bubble tea with the rest of the money. ‘What goes around, comes around’ will be your motto for 2019.


Aries

3.21-4.20

Your ayi will try to set you up with one of her other clients in your building this month. Go with the flow and meet them for a coffee or something at least. Give the matchmaker a raise if the date goes smoothly. 


Taurus

4.21-5.21

You’ll be thrown way outside of your comfort zone this month. A fatal wrong turn by your Didi driver will take you all the way out to the 'burbs. Stay calm and you’ll eventually make it back to civilization and receive a full refund for the ride.


Gemini

5.22-6.21

After losing your third iPhone in less than a year, you’ve finally decided to switch to Xiaomi. Take many awesome selfies with it but avoid doing so in the bathroom. That’s how you lost your last phone, remember?


Cancer

6.22-7.22

Many of your friends have left China over the past few months, so it’s time to make some new ones. Say yes to all party invitations that come your way, and force yourself to attend at least one. 


Leo

7.23-8.23

You finally figured out how to use Meitu, but go easy on the eye-enlarger function unless alien-chic is your preferred look.


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Virgo

8.24-9.23

You’re starting to plan your CNY vacation, but try not to take too long to decide on your destination, or you won’t be able to find any tickets just like what happened during Labor Day, Golden Week, Christmas and New Year. 


Libra

9.24-10.23

You’ve been thinking about the person you hooked up with on New Year’s Eve, so ask them out for a drink if you’re really into them. If not, just grab a beer at Family Mart and see how it goes. 


Scorpio

10.24-11.22

You’ll have a mini meltdown about your uncertain future unless you can find at least three new Drake stickers by the end of the month. He just really gets you. Deep breaths, Scorp!


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Sagittarius

11.23-12.21

Happiness can only be achieved if you leave all non-essential WeChat groups. You don’t really need updates on the latest cat gifs and rap battles, do you? On second thought – maybe just mute them.

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