Finally, a horoscope that understands your life in China.
Cancer
6.22-7.22
It’s make or break time with a certain relationship – you know which one we’re talking about. Water may be your natural element, but after last month’s pool shenanigans it’s best to steer clear of pools and lakes. Also, don't shower this month.
Leo
7.23-8.23
Try to avoid conflict – it’s bad mojo leading up to your birthday month. So when your Didi driver calls you, like, a million times asking you where you are, calmly repeat after this horoscope: “KFC, KFC, KFC...”
Virgo
8.24-9.23
Business ventures look good this month – start your own stinky tofu cart or life coach business. Leave the uninspiring advice at home though (“Have you ever tried meditating?”). Wear red every day as it will invigorate your clientele.
Libra
9.24-10.23
You may feel overwhelmed as your English students’ parents continue to badger you despite it being the summer holiday. Restore your physical balance by taking up yoga.
Scorpio
10.24-11.22
You know things are bad when your office ayi asks why you look like death. Get into a philosophical discussion about the afterlife and, by the way, can she come round to clean your apartment next Saturday?
Sagittarius
11.23-12.21
Don’t do anything hasty this month, like volunteering to look after a friend’s crazy cat while they go back home for the summer, or going on a date with that random you met at the bar last weekend.
Capricorn
12.22-1.20
If there’s one thing that’s certain, it’s that nothing is ever certain. Remember that time you said you would never, ever go to Pudong? Well, guess where you’re going this month thanks to your visiting college friend.
Aquarius
1.21-2.19
People may try to take advantage of your good nature this month, so fapiao every cab. Check every WeChat wallet transaction. And whatever you do, don’t talk to anyone inside or within 100 meters of the mall.
Pisces
2.20-3.20
Your spatial awareness has been whack lately. This may have something to do with the fact your phone is practically glued to your hands. Try throwing it into a lake.
Aries
3.21-4.20
Brutal honesty is required this month. Tell your significant other how you really feel. No, you don’t want to move out of China. And no, he or she is not funny enough to perform stand up at your local comedy club.
Taurus
4.21-5.21
Take a hike this month, Taurus. Bring triple the amount of water you think you’ll need, and also 2kg of cocktail sausages. Don’t ask us why. The stars decree it.
Gemini
5.22-6.21
Your birthday may be over, but the party is just getting started. Getting older is fun! This month, that means you’ll fall asleep on the street after one too many drinks at the club. Take it easy.
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