Throwback Thursday: A Fond Farewell

Throwback Thursday is when we dig through the That's archives for a work of extraordinary genius, or timely relevance, written at some point in our past. We then republish it - on a Thursday.

Right. I'm off. But before I shuffle off from this impressively metropolitan, delightfully moist, ever-festive center of chaos, let me impart the little wisdom I seem to have garnered during my stay. 

Shouting is fun and should begin at home along with the exploration of wet-market bok choy, which is far superior to ParknShop bok choy, which is actually cabbage. 

Huang Hua Hua is not Cantonese for laughing. He's our governor who once accurately said, "You are a fool if you don't make cars." Hear, hear. 

Not all DVDs available for purchase in local markets, on footbridges or in small apartments on Renmin Zhoug Lu are guaranteed to be original. The best way to check is to gently bite down on the packet. If it taste like pure DVD you should be okay. If it tastes like fake DVD, I'm afraid you've been had. Go to the nearest footbridge and politely ask in a loud American accent for your money back. Again, not much will come of this. 

Martin Hutchings speaks English just fine. He's the fair-haired, slightly stretched, waifish and agile mastermind behind such Guangzhou classics as Zinc, The Guangzhou Rams and slapping an orange - which he vehemently believes can keep your knuckles arthritis free during the wet season. That way you can do things like slap an orange arthritis free in the dry season. 

The dry season is not so dry as all the dry season hype. They'll tell you it is the dry season but don't be fooled: they're laughing at you. Laughing and sniggering all the time. It is in fact rather humid. It's actually humid enough to be described as the wet season. I've spoken at length with the governor about this, but he seemed rather hung up on cars at the time and we never really came up with a workable solution. 

Humidity, by the way, is the build up of atmospheric moisture density caused by laughing and sniggering.

The nicest person in Guangzhou, now that I've gone, is probably Clement. 

Clement owns the Elephant and Castle which is a moist-ale-grotto full of sniggering and laughing and therefore, despite the humidity, a rather nice place to be if you're out of bok choy and don't feel like shouting anymore. Clement has been nice for so long that by my reckoning he's fully prepped to go on a kill-crazy rampage at the next drop of a hat, so for goodness sake when on a drinking binge in Guangzhou go hatless whenever possible.

The nighttime is the right time for making love. The daytime is also okay. 

The angriest person in Guangzhou, now that I've gone, is number 66846. Taxi man. Dark hair. You'd know him if you saw him.

There is a Sichuan restuarant on Taojin Bei Lu that has by far the best in-restaurant-irrigation system in Guangzhou. Unless they've discovered a new method for growing furniture, its purpose is a mystery. Frankly, it could be the beginning of that Sichuan conspiracy I've been hearing whispers about...but then again they don't pay me the big money for explaining stuff. Go there. Good food.

A willingness to experiment is useful. Though, lets face it, that just sounds weird. Patience is the way forward. A good sense of humor will take you further than most taxi guys. Lastly. Good people here. Good friends. I'll miss 'em. And since they know I've been dying to quote Shakespeare at you people. 

This above all else: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou can not then be false to any man. Farewell; my blessing season this in thee!

This article first appeared in the April 2007 edition of That's PRD. For more Throwback Thursdays click here.