Finally a horoscope that understands your life in Beijing.
Capricorn
12.22-1.20
The planets have aligned to spell: ‘YOLO.’ Whenever somebody questions you, utter YOLO or, alternatively, say yes to everything. Elements on a Monday night? YOLO. A black taxi charges you 100 kuaifrom Gulou to Dongzhimen? Yes.
Aquarius
1.21-2.19
It’s not a good month to sign any contracts or make any commitments other than the one to your new ayi. Communicate only via cat stickers and emojis, and always alternate between the two with each reply.
Pisces
2.20-3.20
You will drop another iPhone into the shared hutong toilet – the second in two months. But who’s counting, amirite Pisces? Hot tip: zip your pockets up for once and maybe buy a Xiaomi.
Aries
3.21-4.20
The random dude you made out with on NYE will turn out to be either the love of your life – or your worst enemy. If the party you attended on December 31 was in Sanlitun, the latter is more likely.
Taurus
4.21-5.21
Beware of unwanted visitors from your past. To avoid detection, wear an elaborate wig during daylight hours and affect a heavy Beijing accent.Livestream your antics under the name ‘Wiggy,’ but quit after nobody sends you any virtual gifts.
Gemini
5.22-6.21
Your chatty nature is usually a hit with taxi drivers who want to practice their English, but dial it back this month. Nobody cares you went to Baliover the break and ‘found yourself.’
Cancer
6.22-7.22
That new bike you bought is one of those recycled stolen ones. Keep it. Buy an expensive bike lock off Taobao and feel anxious every time you hear the song ‘What Goes Around Comes Around’ by Justin Timberlake.
Leo
7.23-8.23
Your star, the sun, is not out, so put those guns away and put on a goddamn jacket for once. There are plenty of attention-grabbing coats for sale at Joy City. Beware of buttons and mirrors.
Virgo
8.24-9.23
That perfect-looking person on Tinder actually lives in a hutong full of mushrooms (not that kind). Swipe left – you’ll know who it is. During the full moon, eat only round-shaped foods, like roujiamou or pizza.
Libra
9.24-10.23
You can’t decide on a New Year’s resolution, so let the stars make one for you: Spend three-quarters of your salary on organic produce from your local farmer’s market that will eventually rot in your fridge.
Scorpio
10.24-11.22
Start the new year off with a bang. But, like, don’t light fireworks within the Sixth Ring Road, because you will get arrested. It’s illegal now. RSVP to all invites, get invited to partyies’ WeChat groups, and then cancel the day of.
Sagittarius
11.23-12.21
The reason you can’t find a new job is because you keep getting embarrassingly drunk while “networking” at InterNations events. Sign up to a job site instead. Overstate your Chinese-speaking abilities when asked.
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