Finally a horoscope that understands your life in China.
Pisces
2.20-3.20
The full moon on the 1st favors love, and the bigger the better. Publicly propose to your lover in the most crowded place in town or, if you’re single, ask out that jianbing guy who always gives you extra hot sauce.
Aries
3.21-4.20
After the New Year is a good time to refocus on your health. Get an air purifier. But only the expensive kind with wheels – buying second-hand off a WeChat group so soon after the New Year is not auspicious.
Taurus
4.21-5.21
Explore a new, unchartered area of the city. Like, just get up, head south (or north) and see what happens. Godspeed and good luck.
Gemini
5.22-6.21
Your career takes focus this month: finally all those nights working overtime are paying off. Not literally, but, like, your boss finally knows your name now, and you’re not simply referred to as ‘laowai.’
Cancer
6.22-7.22
You are keen to learn new skills. Try a cooking class or experiment with how many giant frozen margaritas at a Mexican restaurant you can drink before you pass out. You decide.
Leo
7.23-8.23
You have a lucky star in the house of travel. You may receive a flight upgrade, or, a month’s worth of free bike share credit. However, you must pay it forward by leaving your bike unlocked after each ride.
Virgo
8.24-9.23
Sorrow and despair will strike on March 15th – in the form of a very bad hangover from a night drinking fake alcohol. Sooth your pain with zhou and an extra-large bottle of Pocari Sweat.
Libra
9.24-10.23
Use your natural talent for reasoning to get a dirt-cheap rickshaw ride home from the bar this month.
Scorpio
10.24-11.22
You’re about to take a big risk – but think carefully before investing all your money in a bootleg DVD shop, or purchasing property in the 'burbs. Consult a fortune teller before making any rash decisions.
Sagittarius
11.23-12.21
It’s time for you to stop living in the past. Stop hanging around your favorite bar that closed in 2017. It's never going to reopen. Last year was a glorious one, yes – but you’re probably better off not boozing so hard.
Capricorn
12.22-1.20
Spring cleaning season is upon us. Hose off all the dust in your pad and brace yourself for the inevitable sighting of cockroach corpses. Also, buy some earplugs – your neighborhood drilling’s about to start up again.
Aquarius
1.21-2.19
Just because you traveled over CNY doesn’t mean you can’t travel again for Tomb Sweeping Day. Book your tickets though, like, now – or you’ll have to take the same annoying flight route you did when you booked late for Spring Festival, you dummy.
0 User Comments