Finally a horoscope that understands your life in China.
Gemini
5.22-6.21
The stars spell relationship problem for you, Gemini, so get off Tantan and focus on your significant other, damn it. Take him or her on a romantic walk in the park. Bring warm Yanjings for good luck.
Cancer
6.22-7.22
Socializing is important, so stop being such a recluse. Go get drinks with people. If anyone suggests some dodgy bar though, kindly direct them to our wonderful website that's full of interesting bar reviews.
Leo
7.23-8.23
Leos can expect great fortune to fall upon their sex lives this month. The following are the most auspicious days to bone: the 7th, the 13th, the 25th. Do not get it on on the 30th, or an ayi will start knocking on your door, loudly, halfway through.
Virgo
8.24-9.23
You will find great success at a networking event – if you make your WeChat profile picture more professional, that is. It is inauspicious to have a cartoon character as your WeChat photo.
Libra
9.24-10.23
Soon you will suffer from bad health. Go to a vegetarian restaurant and eat healthy stuff or something. Avoid taxis on Tuesdays or misfortune will befall you. Drink Tsingtao on the 17th and eat dumplings on the 15th.
Scorpio
10.24-11.22
Your spouse or lover will help you to achieve financial success. Maybe you should treat them to a fancy dinner at one of our city's nicest restaurants. IDK, just a suggestion.
Sagittarius
11.23-12.21
This will be a chaotic month for you, so keep zen by avoiding the subway from the hours of 4.30-6pm, and any Starbucks for all the hours, period. Do not send WeChat messages while riding your Mobike.
Capricorn
12.22-1.20
When two roads diverge in the wood, follow the path that leads back to home. Avoid men in patterned face masks.
Aquarius
1.21-2.19
Be ready to compromise. You may have to go to an inferior noodle place if your favorite noodle place has been shut down. Hold your breath when walking east in any alleyway. Do not eat spicy food on a full moon.
Pisces
2.20-3.20
No more complaining about China – you're getting annoying! Stop hanging out with whiny expats and go buy a good air filter. If you still feel like crap, book a flight to Thailand. Whiny expats love Thailand.
Aries
3.21-4.20
Issues with your family may distract you from monetary success this month. Try to regain some of that monetary success by not drinking in ritzy bars so much. You have family issues to deal with anyway, apparently.
Taurus
4.21-5.21
Only hard work will bring you success. That, or being born in a privileged background under advantageous geopolitical circumstances. Keep this in mind as you work hard in your English teaching job this month.
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