by Dr. Al Chambers
Lovers are complicit in their lying. The wise response to this is not to start blaming, but rather to forget about the silly idea that all relationships, love affairs and marriages actually live up to the mad idea of total and perfect honesty. We need to concede that all we can do is accept dishonesty as a natural process and not expect that anyone is somehow above such humanness. We are not.
When I was young, there was this rather strange idea that all children caught lying should have their mouths washed out with soap. Now, what I think about that is, 'Really? Seriously?' If we were to do that to adults today, we would all be walking around with bubbles floating out of every orifice!
Why do we so readily mangle reality? Why do we so easily lie and withhold and exaggerate to people we ‘love,' and, importantly, why do we want to be lied to (but only on our terms)? Two reasons, perhaps. The first is that we desperately want to be accepted and recognized and made to be part of a group or a couple – it feels good to be wanted. Love motivates so much of our early interaction with the world, so what we do later is designed to get it and keep it. We are afraid of being abandoned.
As one comedian so brilliantly put it years ago, when we meet someone new we are not meeting that real person, we are meeting their agent. We are meeting someone who is selling something, i.e. themselves – and of course we all know how honest and straightforward sales people are. This holds for all situations, except perhaps for the one honest interaction we have, which is when we are born and meet the world for the first time and still have an authentic nature, unbent by social pressure!
Secondly, we lie because we can. It is a powerful part of our brain’s innate ability both to lie and to (try to) detect lying. Imagine the evolutionary advantages to deceiving and taking advantage of others that allowed our ancient human ancestors to attain food, shelter and sex. Those gifted at seduction and cheating will have the best chance of survival, as will their offspring.
And if we are on guard with embellishment, exaggeration, withholding and presenting the good side to colleagues or new members of our volleyball team, imagine how we twist ourselves up in knots when meeting new potential lovers – which is often everybody of a chosen particular sex! Love and sex always start with and build on fantasy, illusion and deceit of both ourselves and the other person. And many will say, “Yes, I know that is true for other people, but me and my new man are so compatible and honest and straight and we share everything – no lies, no hidden agendas, really!” This idealizing of our new relationships is part of the lying to oneself; it is the only way we can actually continue to be together because honesty with the self or the other would blow all beginnings out of the water very quickly.
Love and sex always start with and build on fantasy, illusion and deceit of both ourselves and the other person
Men regularly self-deceive about female sexual interest; men are inclined to believe that women are more interested than they in fact are, and often report being deceived about a woman’s intention to have sex. Of course women fake orgasm and excitement more often (as a female friend recently commented upon seeing a luxury sports car roar by, “Women can fake anything to get things like that!”). Sorry guys!
During sex, both men and women commonly imagine they are with someone besides their lovers and lie about how attracted they are to the person they are with. Men lie about how much sex they’ve had; women lie about how much they haven’t. Deceit is commonly accepted as a part of the process of seduction in both sexes.
We do not want to know everything our lover is thinking, but we hope beyond hope that the truth, if known, would do nothing but boost our fragile egos. So it is best to keep the tacit game of deception going. So do not be surprised if you are lied to, that will happen. Just figure out what is okay or not for you, and make decisions based on your own desires and values. Decide what your boundaries on deception are. Is it okay to lie a little? A lot? About affairs, money, drugs, dinner, your family, the bad smell in the bathroom?
Love is no reservoir of transparent honesty. Perhaps it is ultimately a game of mutual deception, a game we should appreciate for what it is: our human quest for security and connection, a fumbling and imperfect attempt to be okay for ourselves and others. Shakespeare knew this better than anyone.
We can demand an unattainable ‘holier than thou’ relationship, throwing stones when we ought to be self-reflecting, or perhaps we can listen to Fleetwood Mac and keep in mind this common desire, whether we admit it or not, “to believe in you. Tell me, tell me, tell me lies, tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies…”
// Dr. Al Chambers is a psychologist and director of mental health services at United Family Guangzhou Clinic.
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