Finally, a horoscope that understands your life in China.
After all those mooncakes you ate last month, it’s finally time to hit the gym again. Make sure to wear red workout gear for good luck.
Halloween falls right in the middle of your sign. It's the only time of year in which you can unleash your inner darkness and no one would bat an eye. Don’t eat too much candy though – a sugar rush will make you do something truly embarrassing and it’ll go viral.
Attending multiple farewell parties this month will lead you to start thinking about your own China exit but all those free-flow brunches are still calling your name. Fine, maybe another year...
Refuse all group chat invitations this month. For groups you’re already in, don’t participate in any conversations unless they’re directed at you. If you must reply, only respond in five words or less. Don’t ask why.
There will be more than a few hiccups with your Didi rides this month, so we recommend sticking with the metro. Avoid any south-facing station exits, and remember to only take the escalators
Overspending on your Golden Week trip means you’ll have to make some major cutbacks. Hunt for those cheap Meituan deals, or just cook your own food for once, you lazy fish. And don’t even think about splurging on any fancy French cheese.
A friendly face will confront you about your questionable WeChat sticker choices this month – don't fight it. Listen to them to avoid further damage to your reputation and invest your energy elsewhere. Blow off some steam with a boxing class at that new gym you've been eyeing.
Your regular breakfast food stall is closed for good so it’s time to try something new. It’s a huge challenge for you since you’re a creature of habit, but those 7-Eleven baozi aren’t that bad – just get the ones with vegetarian fillings and skip the mystery meat. Yum!
Alipay will fail you when you need it most this month, so have some backup cash in your wallet at all times. Or just ask your hot Tinder date to pay for your pricey drink at the bar and expect to never see them again. Your call.
Feeling a little crabby, Crabby? You should totally do a lavish staycation with your BFF using that hotel voucher you won a while back. Double check the expiry date before you go though – you can’t afford it.
A stranger will approach you on the metro, introduce himself in Chinese as a modeling agent and ask for your WeChat. Whatever you do, don’t give it out. Just pretend to be a tourist and act confused. That always works.
You promised your partner that you’d try to become less controlling, but your regular Starbucks order is still a ‘venti non-fat extra hot no foam vanilla latte.’ That's fine. Just don’t yell at the barista if they mess up your drink again, OK?