Horoscopes: April 2020

By Naomi Lounsbury, April 3, 2020

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Finally, a horoscope that understands your life in China. 



It’s okay to occasionally lose at board games. If you play every other night with your seven different expansion packs, you’ll eventually lose a couple of games. There’s no need to worry; life goes on – except Monopoly, flip that board over if you don’t win. Sore losers are people too.



Since the malls are opening up again, you might as well go shopping. All that time in quarantine did quite a number on your waistline, but the good news is you will find the deal of a lifetime waiting for you in the clearance section at your favorite clothing outlet. 



No offense, Gemini, but the COVID-19 memes are getting old. It’s time to switch things up. Dog memes generally get a positive reaction, and will take peoples’ minds off the current public health crisis. Or, you can go the extra step and adopt or foster a dog! Just please don’t name it ‘Corona.’



Your love life could be taking a turn for the better this month. Just make sure to always use protection, and no, we’re not talking about face masks. But, now is probably a good time to send masks to your family and friends, wherever they are.  



Yes, we know you are perpetually bored and dabble in a bit of humor, but if you tell another dad joke Karen from marketing may have a mental breakdown. You can do better than “What do you call a pony with a cough? A little horse.” Give the jokes a rest, and start reading a new book instead.  




You sneezed three times on the bus and now ayi is staring you down. (Someone clearly doesn’t suffer from allergic rhinitis.) Your entire April will continue in this manner so be prepared to take taxis with your head out of the window for the foreseeable future.



Haven’t gotten out of the house much lately? We get it. Maybe it’s time to visit that questionable pub with the killer happy hour deal. Of course, bring your mask and hand sanitizer.  



Your cats are the only ones who truly understand you. After spending so much time with the furry creatures, you’re beginning to communicate telepathically and not sure if it’s a good or bad thing. It’s neither, just go about your business. 




The aunties have resumed dancing in the square again and you’re thinking of joining in because you miss social interaction. No one is there to judge you. By the way, Aping, the leader of the troupe, has some great moves for a retiree.  



Stop taking your phone into the bathroom. We understand that you wash your hands regularly but how often do you sanitize your phone? Give your mobile a daily cleaning for optimal fengshui – and while you’re at it, consider purchasing a water feature for your apartment.



It’s time to take some responsibility and finish that project you’ve been working on for the last five years. After all, the things that take the longest to complete are often the most rewarding. Those WeChat games weren’t made for your entertainment; they were created for your demise – don’t buy the hype.



It’s happened, Pisces. You are now a certified germophobe and let’s be real, you kind of like it. It’s both opened a new world for you and made you realize how many germs are on every surface you come into contact with. Do us a favor and don’t start wearing a bubble, it won’t end well – like in Bubble Boy

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