Finally, a horoscope that understands your life in Shanghai.
It’s make or break time with a certain relationship – you know which one we’re talking about. Water may be your natural element, but after last month’s pool shenanigans it’s best to steer clear of the Huangpu. Also, don't shower this month.
Try to avoid conflict – it’s bad mojo leading up to your birthday month. So when your Didi driver calls you, like, a million times asking you where you are, calmly repeat after this horoscope: “Found 158, 158, 158...”
Business ventures look good this month – start your own stinky tofu cart or life coach business. Leave the uninspiring advice at home though (“Have you ever tried meditating?”). Wear red every day as it will invigorate your clientele.
You may feel overwhelmed as your English students’ parents continue to badger you despite it being the summer holiday. Restore your physical balance by taking up yoga.
You know things are bad when your office ayi asks why you look like death. Get into a philosophical discussion about the afterlife and, by the way, can she come round to clean your apartment next Saturday?
Don’t do anything hasty this month, like volunteering to look after a friend’s crazy cat while they go back home for the summer, or going on a date with that random you met at Bar Rouge.
If there’s one thing that’s certain, it’s that nothing is ever certain. Remember that time you said you would never, ever go to Pudong? Well, guess where you’re going this month thanks to your visiting college friend.
People may try to take advantage of your good nature this month, so fapiao every cab. Check every WeChat wallet transaction. And whatever you do, don’t talk to anyone inside or within 100 meters of iapm.
Your spatial awareness has been whack lately. This may have something to do with the fact your phone is practically glued to your hands. Try throwing it into a lake, ideally somewhere along the Suzhou creek.
Brutal honesty is required this month. Tell your significant other how you really feel. No, you don’t want to move to Beijing. And no, he or she is not funny enough to perform stand up at Kung Fu Komedy Club.
Take a hike this month, Taurus, but only in one place: Huangshan. Bring triple the amount of water you think you’ll need, and also 2kg of cocktail sausages. Don’t ask us why. The stars decree it.
Your birthday may be over, but the party is just getting started. Getting older is fun! It means you can only drink on "medicinal" drink at FUNKA del sur before almost passing out on Yanping Lu. Take it easy.