That's Horoscopes: January 2017

By Noelle Mateer, January 5, 2017

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Finally a horoscope that understands your life in China. 

Capricorn

12.22-1.20

You are a strong, independent Capricorn this month, reaching important milestones in your career. Do not, however, forget your family while you’re making all that money. Hand them all generous hongbaos just before the annual CCTV gala.

Aquarius

1.21-2.19

This is a time of transition – from one apartment to another, that is. Do not let your landlord rip you off, and do not attempt to barter on the 12th. A strange fungus may form on your doorstep during a particularly bad bout of smog. Do not clear it away until the 19th.

Pisces

2.20-3.20

A perfectly perfunctory January awaits you, so long as you tap your toes seven times before eating a bowl of noodles on the first day of the year. Otherwise, illness will come knocking at a doorstep near you – don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Aries

3.21-4.20

It’s all about making that renminbi this month. May we suggest the following occupations: language teacher, bartender, voice actor or editor of a local English-language magazine (we’re not hiring, but just saying). On the 17th of the month, you could meet an intriguing stranger at your favorite bar.

Taurus

4.21-5.21

Domestic concerns will rock your world this January. If you’re married, that means trouble with your spouse; if you’re single, that means your ayi will put your mug somewhere you can’t find it. Nevermind – on the 8th of the month, you will probably find it again.

Gemini

5.22-6.21

Good fortune awaits you, but only if you bestow good fortune upon others first. Fortunately for you, this is red envelope season and you were probably going to bestow fortune upon others anyway. Warning: Do not accept WeChat hongbaos between the hours of midnight and 2am.

Cancer

6.22-7.22

It’s all about opportunities – both exciting and dangerous – for you this month. Of the latter variety: An attractive person may ask for your WeChat on January 15th. Do not accept. He or she has a girlfriend. Eat more yogurt, if appropriate.

Leo

7.23-8.23

Leos are feeling extra creative this month. You will hit your artistic stride on the night of January 26th following a particularly moving DJ set at a club. Now it’s time to set up that blog you told mom you’d start back in ‘05. Do not go outside on the 8th unless it is to buy jianbing.

Virgo

8.24-9.23

Trouble is brewing, Virgo, so hold on to your wallet while walking around town and be very wary of your landlord. These are dark times, but they’re nothing a well-planned Chunjie getaway can’t fix. Turn around three times before entering your local bookstore.

Libra

9.24-10.23

Your career ambitions will become clear to you on January 3 after you finish your lunchtime gaifan. In love and social spheres, expect a January full of passion and romance.

Scorpio

10.24-11.22

It is time to focus on your health, so buy an air filter, and make sure you know the difference between surgical masks and air-pollution ones. Teamwork will be crucial this month, so don’t skip your Chinese class. Eat dumplings on the 23rd.

Sagittarius

11.23-12.21

Are you expecting some huge news? Because here it comes! Congratulations and/or commiserations, Sagittarius. To celebrate and/or console yourself, take a trip to a bar you haven’t been to yet, unless that huge news is of a pregnancy.

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