That's Horoscopes: September 2017

By That's, September 1, 2017

Finally a horoscope that understands your life in China.

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Virgo

8.24-9.23

Have you ever had an incredible bowl of noodles – one that leaves a satisfying, borderline-sensual tingle on the tongue? And it’s the best bowl of noodles you’ve ever had, and you want to tell all your friends about it? And then, three hours later, you’re struck with violent, ravaging diarrhea? That’s a metaphor for how your September’s gonna go.

Libra

9.24-10.23

When ordering dinner on Sherpas, do not select any dish with an odd letter of numbers in the name. Also, no burgers. (They’re better fresh anyway.) Do not order pizza on the 17th.

Scorpio

10.24-11.22

Success is the best kind of revenge. Unless, of course, your high school frenemy is visiting China. In this case, you can give him or her terrible advice, like that the Badaling section of the Great Wall is lovely on a Saturday afternoon.
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Sagittarius

11.23-12.21

You will find a hidden treasure in your liangpi this month. This treasure is very auspicious, but not at all edible. We’re just saying… be careful. Also, test the brakes before riding any Ofo bikes.

Capricorn

12.22-1.20

The stars have the answer to your question, which is undoubtedly: Where is the best lamb leg restaurant in town? The answer will be revealed on the 10th.

Aquarius

1.21-2.19

Oktoberfest is just around the corner, and you will have a riotous evening at your favorite Bavarian brauhauses. There, you will meet a beautiful stranger, sparking a passionate romance. FYI, he’s not German – he’s just wearing leiderhosen.

Pisces

2.20-3.20

You’re visiting home soon. How wonderful! Just do not visit a craft brewery on a Sunday – if you do, your passport will go missing. Be wary of tall men in blue hats.

Aries

3.21-4.20

You’re trying to decide where to go for Golden Week, and if you wait any longer to book your tickets, they’ll be gone. Good fortune awaits you in Bali. Trouble awaits in Thailand. Do not fly Aeroflot.

Taurus

4.21-5.21

Befriend someone who owns a sanlunche, or a rickshaw with a little cart attached on the back. This will be useful when you move house, and also useful when your friends drink too much on your pub crawl. Do not drink and drive rickshaws.

Gemini

5.22-6.21

Drink expensive cocktails at a hotel bar this month and you will be rewarded with a higher ‘grade’ on your work visa. Don’t ask how, exactly. It’s the stars that say this, not us. Wear black on the 13th.

Cancer

6.22-7.22

Forget everything you think you know – your worldview is about to be flipped upside down. You will have a life-changing epiphany on the smoggiest day of September. It’s still not OK to forget your face mask though.