It's that time of the year again - the time for year-end retrospectives. In the first of our Year in Review 2014 series, we look back in anger at the biggest bastards of 2014...
ZHANG ZHAOZHONG
“Laser weapons are most afraid of smog.” The confident words of PLA Admiral Zhang Zhaozhong, espousing his pro-pollution views on CCTV in February. Admiral Zhang told viewers that, while the tactical smokescreen of smog may have some drawbacks (see: ability to breathe, cancer, etc.) it also functions as a state-of-the-art barrier against American laser weaponry. Internet users were less than thrilled by the PM2.5 apologist, causing Zhang to clarify and say, “I was talking about the weakness of the laser gun, not advocating for smog.”
APPLE
The iPhone 6 was released in September this year, but one country was notably absent from the list of recipients: China. With no release date in sight, rumors circulated wildly and smuggling exploded. The phone having been released in Hong Kong and Japan, people were soon caught in Mainland airports and border crossings with suitcases stocked to the brim with Apple’s latest device. The smuggling problem got so large, in fact, that Chinese importers were found at Apple stores in New York City, paying groups to wait in line and snatch up the phone. By October, the iPhone 6 finally got its last necessary permit to be sold in the Mainland, and the madness came to an end (until Bend-gate).
SANYA NUDIE COPS
The southern beaches of Sanya, on the tropical island of Hainan, have long been the spot of an annual migration. Each year, countless middle-aged men instinctively flock to the ‘Hawaii of China’ for a chance to strip down and get themselves an utterly, disturbingly complete tan. This time-honored tradition came under threat in 2014, however, as local police began cracking down on the island’s notorious naked. Several determined disrobers were carted off to police custody, where they were presumably given a slap on the wrist (and a towel to wrap around their waists).
VLADIMIR PUTIN
This May, you could have been forgiven for thinking that Shanghai was the set of a zombie film: the highways were empty, metro stations shut down and armed guards were out en masse. It wasn’t the brain-hungry undead they were preparing for, though; it was Vladimir Putin. His visit was part of the Asian Regional Summit, a festive meeting flush with pipeline deals, photo-ops and 300,000 ‘security volunteers’ roaming Shanghai’s streets. Thanks to Putin and friends, Shanghai’s residents faced severely delayed transportation, ID checks at major office buildings and – for those who lived close to the conference sites – instructions to keep all apartment windows closed until 11pm. Hopefully you weren’t Russian to be somewhere.
TAXI APPS
Remember the good old days (way back in… 2013) when all it took to get a taxi was a waving arm? Well those free-wheeling times have passed, for a spectre is haunting Shanghai — the spectre of the taxi app. While the apps can certainly be useful for those with the esoteric knowledge to work them (read: are Mandarin literate), the chances of being able to grab a taxi on a whim (or after your battery has died) have dropped quicker than Harvey Keitel’s pimp once Travis Bickle came blasting. Carry on practicing those Chinese characters and keep your phone charged… or invest in some solid walking shoes.
LEI CHUNIAN
‘Heroic Youth’ Lei was a national idol: his quick-thinking during China’s disastrous 2008 Sichuan earthquake saved the lives of seven of his classmates. This year, however, his status crashed after he was caught defrauding more than 20 people out of hundreds of thousands of RMB. Lei took advantage of his fame and told others that he could use connections to help people get jobs, get their children into school or buy a drivers’ license. All for a fee. Among his victims numbered his year-long girlfriend, whom he swindled out of RMB10,000. Lei Chunian: a great guy to have around in an earthquake, not too great anytime else.
JUSTIN BIEBER
Last year, Justin Bieber got a bit of flack when he was photographed on the shoulders of his bulky bodyguards being carried up the Great Wall - because he was “too tired” to climb the stairs himself. Well this year the Biebs made that look like child’s play (which, technically, it probably was). Taking a lead from page one of the “How to inflame Chinese web commenters” handbook, Justin paid a visit to none other than Japan’s Yasukuni Shrine, a hotly controversial site devoted to those who had died in service of the Empire of Japan, including 1,068 war criminals, 14 of whom are considered A-Class. Naturally enough, he Instagrammed it.
Comments ranged from the unprintably obscene to the morose (“As a Chinese Belieber, I am so sad”). The photos – one of Bieber facing the shrine, another with his hands in a praying position above his knee-length white hoody – were soon taken down, but not before many of his 5.1 million followers had gotten a glimpse. El Bieber later apologized for the photos saying, essentially, that he had no idea what the hell was going on (most beliebable) and just wanted a photo with a shrine. He closed his remarks saying, “To anyone I have offended I am extremely sorry. I love you China and I love you Japan.” A very silly little boy indeed.
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