That's Horoscopes: November 2017

By That's, November 1, 2017

Finally a horoscope that understands your life in China.

Scorpio

10.24-11.22

It’s Scorpio season. Live your best life with a new winter wardrobe, or just a nice pair of socks. They sell them at the subway station sometimes.

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Sagittarius

11.23-12.21

You will have an incredibly fortuitous November if you sign up for our email newsletter. Yeah, we just plugged ourselves in our own horoscopes. Don’t wear red on a full moon.

Capricorn

12.22-1.20

Don’t go to Beijing on a Wednesday. Only travel to Hong Kong on weekends. Don’t book sleeper trains if you don’t plan on sleeping. Best to avoid travel this whole month, actually.

Aquarius

1.21-2.19

Something from your past will haunt you – your past life boozing at that sleezy bar, that is. Romeo, your partner on that project about the Qing dynasty you did for study abroad, will make a sudden reappearance.

Pisces

2.20-3.20

If you board a rickshaw on the 13th you will fall off the back of it. If you board a rickshaw on the 25th you will fall in love with the driver.

Aries

3.21-4.20

Don’t paint your nails on days when the AQI is above 150.

Taurus

4.21-5.21

You will receive several calls from kuaidi delivery men – even though you haven’t ordered anything. These packages are inauspicious – never touch them.

Gemini

5.22-6.21

Naughty Gemini – you swapped germs with a sweaty stranger on Halloween again this year! This is why you’re currently suffering from a sore throat and head cold. Take it easy at Thanksgiving.

Cancer

6.22-7.22

Relax. Fall is your season. All your relationships are fine. You know what? Drink more. Dawdle. Your Didi driver will wait for six minutes without yelling at you.

Leo

7.23-8.23

You’re the type of person who will walk out on a frozen lake even when there’s just a tiny veneer of ice. Stop being that person. Do not interpret this month’s cold snap as an opportunity for you to show off.

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Virgo

8.24-9.23

You’re feeling sad and overwhelmed. Here’s what the stars prescribe: A night under blankets, with a glass of Great Wall red wine and Wolf Warrior 2.

Libra

9.24-10.23

You’ve been single for a very long time. So long, that it’s time to ask your neighborhood busybody if she knows of any eligible matches. You will go on several dates at which she will be present.