That's Horoscopes: October 2017

By Noelle Mateer, September 29, 2017

Finally a horoscope that understands your life in China.

Libra

9.24-10.23

Invest in a pair of those big scooter-riding gloves that look like oven mitts, but do not wear one on your left hand. Honk at all red cars.

Scorpio

10.24-11.22

A kuaidi will arrive at your door unexpectedly. Open the package – what’s inside will change your life. Eat cabbage on the 19th.

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Sagittarius

11.23-12.21

You will be challenged to a duel outside your local malatang shop. Your opponent will be swathed in tattered Guangzhou Evergrande scarves. You will ultimately win by spitting Snow Beer into his eyes and temporarily blinding him.

Capricorn

12.22-1.20

Join a local fitness club, but beware of any group of legging-clad exercisers referring to themselves as a ‘fit fam.’ Small, smelly gyms in the basements of malls and apartment complexes are your best bet.

Aquarius

1.21-2.19

Buy dumpling wrappers in bulk. Store them in a cool, dry place. Plan a dumpling-making party, and then cancel it. Forget about the dumpling wrappers forever. A stray cat will find them and eat them.

Pisces

2.20-3.20

You will slip on a rogue fish at your local wet market and sprain your ankle. One day you will look back on this fondly, as the man who will help you up is your future husband. He’s gonna be great for your Chinese.

Aries

3.21-4.20

For Halloween, go as a parking bao’an and make your boyfriend be a dancing dama.

Taurus

4.21-5.21

Buy red fruits to show your patriotism this Golden Week or misfortune will befall you. Only drink local IPAs (for the rest of your life).

Gemini

5.22-6.21

Befriend an old person in your neighborhood this month. But do not give your WeChat to anyone who lives in a third-tier city.

Cancer

6.22-7.22

Your lover will drop your favorite tiny replica of a Terracotta Warrior into a river. Make them dive in to find it. If they succeed, buy them three virgin mojitos at the nearest dive bar. If they don’t, break up with them.

Leo

7.23-8.23

A series of unfortunate events will lead you to Anhui, where you will get food poisoning or alcohol poisoning – or both. Avoid young men in basketball jerseys.

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Virgo

8.24-9.23

Virgo, go, go, leave town. Just because you missed Golden Week travel rush doesn’t mean you can’t go somewhere. There are still weekends in October, and you keep saying you’re “dying to visit Dalian” – now prove it.