That's Horoscopes: August 2017

By Noelle Mateer, August 1, 2017

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Finally a horoscope that understands your life in China.


Leo

7.23-8.23

There is no such thing as a tame lion, but you can certainly keep one in a cage. We’re sorry you lost your key – search your WeChat group histories for ‘does anyone know a locksmith?’ and you will find at least seven answers.

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Virgo

8.24-9.23

Immerse yourself in something you hate, like waking up early. Or immerse yourself in something that you maybe don’t hate but everyone else loves and you don’t understand why. Like the NBA.

Libra

9.24-10.23

Stop doing yoga. Stop getting massages. Instead, let your anger flow, and actively repress any thoughts and feelings that make you uncomfortable. Yell more. With a bitterer outlook, and an unquenchable spite for others, you’re correctly positioning yourself to get that raise this month.

Scorpio

10.24-11.22

In order to keep the gods of misfortune at bay, avoid all expat bars for the duration of August. Avoid men in three-piece suits. And whatever you do, do not eat spicy food.

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Sagittarius

11.23-12.21

Your office keeps copies of That’s in its bathroom. You didn’t even need to go. You’re just avoiding work again. Sort of like how we’re avoiding real work by writing these garbage horoscopes. No effort at all. Squad.

Capricorn

12.22-1.20

Be tolerant of all beliefs. Some believe Tiger is better than Tsingtao, and while that is repulsive, keep an open mind. Our differences are what make us beautiful.

Aquarius

1.21-2.19

Your favorite bar, restaurant or noodle shop closed and is gone. How hard it is, having to find another place to eat. Rough times for you.

Pisces

2.20-3.20

Whatever day it is that you read our August issue, Pisces, you will remember forever. For after you finish reading it and use it as a mat for your dog to poop on, a terrible calamity shall befall you. That's karma. That's karma. (See what we did there?)

Aries

3.21-4.20

Why are you still wearing your fake Beats every day? Do you think it’s 2011? The place where you bought them from isn’t even open anymore. Upgrade to a pair of those Bose noise-canceling headphones or just get earbuds already.

Taurus

4.21-5.21

Leave China.

Gemini

5.22-6.21

Life is a roller coaster – one of the terrifying ones at your local amusement park. Use this knowledge to come to terms with your own urgent, panicky lifestyle. It’s not you, Gemini, it’s the coaster inside you.

Cancer

6.22-7.22

Your wardrobe needs an upgrade. That gross shirt will only last you another month, and then you’ll need to find a shirt without stains on it. Try out a Guo'an jersey, or just go to Uniqlo. Wear green on the 13th for good fortune.

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