That's Horoscopes: July 2017

By Noelle Mateer, June 30, 2017

Finally a horoscope that understands your life in China.

Cancer

6.22-7.22

Happy birthday! For the record, Cancer, you rock, and you deserve the best! Treat yourself to a big party, and don’t be afraid to buy drinks more expensive than Yanjing! (Full disclosure: The person who writes these horoscopes is a Cancer.)

Leo

7.23-8.23

You’re energetic, restless even – use up your energy by climbing something tall. An obvious choice is the nearest mountain, but you could also walk up the stairs in your apartment building. Use vinegar, not soy sauce.

201703/1-091.png

Virgo

8.24-9.23

It’s time to compromise. Your roommate will never agree to moving. It just isn’t going to happen. Instead, try decorating.

Libra

9.24-10.23

Actions have consequences. If you park your Mobike so that it blocks your neighbor’s actual bike, or if you bring your Ofo inside your apartment, misfortune will befall you later in the month. Eat tripe on the 13th.

Scorpio

10.24-11.22

You’ll secure a major deal at work this month – if, and only if, you eat an odd number of baozi in the morning. Pork baozi, not that pansy-ass egg-and-chive kind. Avoid men in green jackets.

201703/1-02.png

Sagittarius

11.23-12.21

You can get a little intense sometimes, so focus that intensity on a new project, like learning salsa, or quietly dismantling construction equipment by night so that the sounds of drilling can no longer wake you prematurely.

Capricorn

12.22-1.20

Get some new toothpaste. Your current brand is kinda lame. If you switch to Crest you will find love; if you switch to Darlie, a terrible calamity shall befall you. Floss regularly. Do not eat malatang on Sundays.

Aquarius

1.21-2.19

Don’t lose hope, Aquarius. Your favorite bar or restaurant or noodle shop will open again. Or, actually, we don’t know. It might not, TBH. You know horoscopes aren’t real, right? Clap twice before entering public bathrooms.

Pisces

2.20-3.20

July is a month of hot, hot weather and hot, hot passion for Pisces. Cool off with your lover by taking a sexy dip in a piss-infested public pool, specifically one that sells fluorescent-pink sausages on sticks.

Aries

3.21-4.20

You’re smart – very smart. But this summer’s got you feeling dumb. Get back in the game by actually attending your Chinese lessons for once. Oh, you’re too hungover again? Fine – just be prepared to be ripped off while fruit shopping for, like, ever.

Taurus

4.21-5.21

This month is all about self-care. Go to one of those places where an old lady scrapes dead skin off your feet with a tiny knife, and then eat something really nutritious, like woodear with a vat of vinegar. Do not travel to Shandong if it’s raining.

Gemini

5.22-6.21

Congrats on moving to China! Are you new, or are you just terrible at navigating? Use your Maps app, and try to go somewhere other than an expat bar for once. We know it’s hard, but you can do it. Wear purple on the 19th.