Duoshoudang \Duòshŏudăng \ 剁手党 n. people who are addicted to online shopping and vow repeatedly to quit but can’t.
A: I hate all the duoshoudang in my office. I just spent three hours signing for their non-stop Kuaidi deliveries.
B: How many packages do these people get each day?
A: One duoshoudang in sales got 34 packages yesterday.
B: I suspect she’ll have to cut her own hands off soon.
A: Either that or I’ll do it for her.
If online shopping is your vice, post-Singles-Day December is your rock bottom. Among the worst affected are the duoshoudang. Meaning ‘a party whose members vow to cut their own hands off,’ duoshoudang are the breed of online addicts who, as long as they have hands, won’t stop clicking the ‘buy now’ button.
They are easy to identify – they’re the ones who appeared euphorically happy last month, yet now have no money for food and are contemplating cutting off their hands. While the exact size of the duoshoudang party is unknown, it is estimated to be in the millions. Every night, they return from work and sit in front of the computer, ignoring their estranged lovers to focus energy on online shopping.
The duoshoudang search diligently for coupons. They keep multiple tabs open to compare prices. They read page-long reviews. They enter credit card details in a subconscious act of muscle memory. They shop to celebrate; they shop to console. They believe that ‘owning’ equals ‘living.’ I shop, therefore I am.
Some say the Internet was invented for porn, built on the assumption that sex is the one thing that everyone craves the most. But that assertion no longer rings true. The Internet was actually invented for shopping, because the desire to own material goods has already replaced the desire for carnal pleasure. In fact, a famous saying of duoshoudang is: “Orgasms last five seconds, but the high of owning a designer handbag lasts at least five months.”
Cutting off one’s hand may sound dramatic but the term has roots in reality. Three years ago, a Zhejiang woman surnamed Zhang almost cut off her hand after a heated marital row over her online shopping addiction. Ms. Zhang reportedly protested: “You want me to cut my hand off? Because I will!” She was later rushed to hospital where doctors were able to reattach her severed thumb.
Let that be a warning. The Internet is a store that never closes. It’ll always be ready for our custom, so there will always be hands that have gotta go.
By day, Mia Li is a news reporter in Beijing; at night, she tries to turn that news into standup comedy.
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