Factoid: it takes the human body about three days – or 40 hours – to digest a steak, and in some cases up to three weeks. But the stomach can apparently process a plate of lazi ji and send it out to a shocked world within about 30 minutes. The moral of the story? Perhaps, eat lots of steak.
That’s no longer a problem here. Once, it really was: ask any old-looking guy in The Den and they’ll probably tell you about being here in ’03 and getting up at 6am to travel to such-and-such location to meet some guy in a hat and mac who’d give them the contact number for a fellow they’d heard could maybe sell them some decent rump.
Today, with places such as The Cut, Morton’s and Steak Exchange, you can get your three days’ worth of digestive traction very simply (if not necessarily cheaply). 29 Grill, which is at the new Conrad, the rather spiffy-looking hotel that looks like a tube of white Swiss on the west side of the Third Ring Road, picks up the conversation and happily moves on with it, serving up top-tier cuts of beef and ham without the usual top-tier prices. And, unless you’re a vegan and/or animal rights activist, that’s an equation you’re bound to like.
29 Grill, so called for nothing more than that the hotel has 29 floors, is – and I hate to throw out clichés such as “this is a meat lover’s paradise” – but it’s a meat lover’s paradise. Look, lemme just read to you from the cold cuts menu: “Parma ham. Deer ham. Prosciutto crudo. Ostrich meat. Lardons. Salame Milano/ calabro/ spianata picante. Wild boar. Ventricina picante. Speck. Coppa. Pancetta tesa. Mortadella. Air-cured pork belly. Air-dried duck breast.” And it goes on, all priced between RMB69-98 per 35 grams. And this is just the cold cuts. There’s a whole delicious barnyard or two spreading across the rest of the menu.
Premium cured hams; Wagyu carpaccio (RMB138); steak tartar (RMB 188/228, depending on beef type); bone marrow (served correctly, St John-style, with flat parsley at just RMB38); ribs Asian-style (RMB288); braised ox tongue and pork trotter (together at last! A house specialty at RMB188) – just writing all that has left me tired, emotional and in need of protein. (They also do tapas and seafood. I mean, where does it all stop?)
As 29 Grill is currently running a ridiculously good lunch-and-dinner deal (two set menus – two, three or four courses (RMB227/275/388) – for the price of one, and none of your ‘service charge’ rubbish), most will likely start here and not be disappointed.
The choices for appetizer are a bit dull, admittedly (salad or salad, madam?). My Caesar was a curate’s egg: the leaves and prawns were fresh – especially the prawns, which had a zing that’s absent from most shellfish found in the desert – but the dressing was of the ‘overripe mayonnaise’ variety and best served separately.
A good place to start would be the Chef’s Platter (RMB195), a charcuterie selection of handsome proportions served on a cheese board that we grazed from over the first two courses. I decided it was time for a 180-gram Newport of Wagyu, and the waiter seemed to sense this, for one quickly arrived.
And I just as quickly ate it. Apparently it came with sautéed mushrooms and mashed potato, but I didn’t really see or touch them until afterwards. Thing is, I was entirely zeroed-in on the meat. And afterwards, who wants to eat mash and shrooms without meat? So you might well end up ordering another steak, and eating that before realizing you’ve forgotten your sides again. Then you’re stuck in an endless loop of beef orders and I’ve seen how those end. Just saying, it’s a possibility. (Although the mash is incredibly rich; this stuff’s certainly creamed. Eat a bowl and you won’t be ordering any more steak. Maybe that’s the point)
I left 29 Grill nicely glutted but with a strong sense that I’d need to go back soon. There’s that bone marrow to have. Oh, and the tartar (both types). And let’s not forget that signature dish with the tongue-trotter combo. Plus the ribs, of course – and all those steaks to try. Yeah: you’re going to need a bigger boat.
// Tues-Sun 11.30am-11.30pm. 3/F, Conrad Beijing, 29 Dongsanhuan Beilu, Chaoyang District朝阳区东三环北路29号康莱德酒店1层(6584 6270)
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