You've Never Read: Liu Guozhang

It happens sometimes: an old book, perhaps long out of print, gets a sudden new lease of life, thanks to some pop-cultural reference.

So it is that a sun-bleached copy of How to Conquer Pretty Girls, first published in 1989 (by complete unknown Liu Guozhang), is suddenly going gangbusters on social media sites Weibo and Renren.

The PUA-style book offers readers the psychological know-how to get female attention and boost male attraction. It kicks off with a bunch of interviews with eligible ladies: what kind of guys do they like? Liu then distills their answers into chapters that illustrate how to meet these requirements (literally: there’s a whole bunch of Manga-style cartoons to help).

Some are fairly simplistic: ‘Your Smile Will Destroy All Obstacles’. Another warns that ‘Girls Are Very Impatient With Shyness’. More are in the realm of the pure hopeless: ‘Rack Your Brains for Pickup Lines.’

Still, his advice can be quite eye opening, for 1989. “To get girls horny, use sexual puns,” Liu urges. “Some girls look upset when you use frivolous words, but don’t take it seriously. It’s an act.” He’s pretty sure about this. “Girls are waiting for you to sweep away the emptiness in their hearts,” the author explains. “Things may be very deceptive. When you see them smiling, you think they’re happy? No, you’re too simple! In fact, most girls are very fragile and sentimental. They look happy but are crying inside.” (Does this apply afterwards? What if they look frail and angry – is that a sign of happiness? WTF, Liu?)

The more advice he gives, the more we know Liu is a stone-cold playa. Want to chat up a girl? Pretend to have a headache. “Girls always have aspirin for physiological reasons.”

Meanwhile, here’s what women find sexiest in a man – hair.  “Girls think nice hair is an essential part of being a sexy guy,” Liu discloses. “Find a really good hairdresser. It’ll cost you a lot, but worth it.”

Still, folks are impressed that such an esoteric manual could emerge in 1989, a troubled year by all accounts, and have duly called for a reprint. “Maybe more versions, like How to Conquer Lonely Young Married Women and How to Conquer Rich Middle-Aged Men, should come out,” winked one, while another despaired, “No wonder I’m single – I didn’t read enough books!”

In fact, Liu did supposedly pen How to Conquer Handsome Guys but netizens have yet to source an original. While avid fans are searching for Liu online, petitioning him to reprint the book and even offering to pay for it, basically no one knows where the f*ck Liu’s at. And as for the original publishers, well-known hipster imprint the Hebei People’s Publishing House, they claim the book doesn’t even exist. “We can find no copy in our sample database,” they say. “And the ISBN, 9787202003480, didn’t exist in 1989.” So fake it, boys. Just fake it.

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