What Would Confucius Do? is a regular feature where we apply age-old Confucian wisdom to modern dilemmas.
Q: I have been married for two years but it’s becoming clear that my wife and I are very different people. We married after a short period of dating, due to pressure from both of our parents (we are both 30 years old), without really knowing each other. My wife recently told me she does not want children, ever. But before we married she gave no indication that she felt this way. We’d even spoken about our mutual plans to have a baby. I cannot accept the idea of not having a child in the future and am considering leaving my wife, even though it would devastate both of our families.
A: Hello friend. The standards of modern society dictate self-centeredness and love as the highest standards. Therefore, if you want a divorce, you have already established several good reasons. If your wife agrees, there is no problem or need for discussion. However, I prefer other solutions. Chinese tradition, and especially Confucian thought, emphasizes marriage and family.
In your situation, the existence of sufficient grounds for divorce is not the problem. The decision is whether it’s justified or not. So what happens if you change your perspective and consider the opposite situation – staying together? Confucius said: “Those whose strength is not enough give up halfway. You haven’t begun to walk yet” (Analects, 6:12). The Chinese idiom bantuerfei (to give up halfway) also applies. Confucius emphasizes the importance of meeting people in the middle; and that if you don’t first try to understand them, you will inevitably draw incorrect conclusions.
So, if you stay together and work toward building your marriage, perhaps it will take a turn for the better. You may begin to understand each other. Mutual tolerance will develop, and love will grow in the meantime. Plus, given that you’ve only been married for a relatively short time, your wife’s desire to remain childless may also change.
As you chose to ask me about whether you should divorce your wife, I can tell that you don’t make hasty decisions. You must be of a considerate and earnest character. If you can see the importance of trying to understand people’s choices, you will benefit.
Wang Xuejun is a lecturer at Beijing Language and Culture University, specializing in Chinese culture. His most recent book is entitled Teaching Methods of Chinese Language and Traditional Culture.
Got a question for Wang? Send him your ethical dilemma via bjeditor@urbanatomy.com
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