Inexplicably named Mongolian hotpot restaurant Simon, as reviewed by a real life Simon – 31-year-old British civil servant, Simon Clode (pictured above).
—First impressions?
Simon: “Well, the name is spelled correctly, so that’s a good start. It’s not the most glamorous of locales [the restaurant is next to a mountain of trash] but, still, it's lively enough. And we're in walking distance from the Russian Embassy, so potential bonus if you happen to be a Russian diplomat."
—It’s a simple, unassuming place: Simple Simon’s.
“Statistically speaking, Simons are a highly intelligent people. The simple Simon taunt is ironic. I wonder what the inspiration for the name was?"
—Simon the pie man?
“Could be, though it doesn’t look much like a pie shop.”
—Are any celebrities called Simon?
“Not really, we’re something of a rare breed.”
—Simon Cowell?
“A Chinese restaurant, as inspired by Simon Cowell. It’s certainly possible, I'm not going to rule it out."
—There must be other famous Simons out there, what about sportspeople?
“Simons don’t really do sports. How about Paul Simon, do surnames count? [Thinks for a moment] Simón Bolivar, El Libertador! He's a good one, defeated the might of the Spanish Empire and led Peru, Bolivia, Venezuela, Ecuador and Colombia to independence."
—I’m pretty sure this restaurant is not named after Simón Bolívar. OK, let’s take a look at the menu.
“It’s in Chinese, no wait, there’s Russian too.”
—No pictures?
“Nope, or pinyin. My Russian is about the same level as my Chinese, which is to say, not all that good. OK [scans the menu], I recognize that. That's definitely mutton. That's a safe bet. We can order that [calls the waiter]. And how about some vegetables? There's broccoli here, is that OK?"
—It’s your review.
“OK, we’ll take the broccoli, and maybe these fried beans. Should I order in Russian?”
—Can you do that?
“Not really, I’ll stick to Chinese. OK, I’ll get some beers too - this looks like a beer type of place.”
—Do you feel an affinity here – is this suitably Simon-esque?
“Absolutely, everyone is slightly overweight and unhealthy-looking. I'm getting a strong Simon vibe from that cabinet of empty baijiu bottles too. I wonder if Simons drink for free?"
—You should ask – did you bring your passport?
“I did! [Calls the restaurant owner to the table and introduces himself. Restaurant owner looks bemused. Restaurant owner shakes his head] No, Simons don't drink for free, but he looks happy that we're here [owner grimaces]. Maybe we'll get a discount?"
—[Ten minutes pass] OK, here are the beans and broccoli.
“Clearly not a great deal of preparation has gone into this. It seems to be swimming in a lot of water too, [tastes it] this is bad, it's lukewarm, it's not cooked. Can you get food-poisoning from limp, half-cooked vegetables? Probably not, right? OK. This is probably the worst broccoli I've ever had."
—How about the beans?
Well, there’s a lot of oil here... But they taste OK. Standard fried beans. The brotherhood of Simon approves. Taste good with beer too.
[main course arrives]
“My god, that’s a lot of cumin. That’s more cumin that meat. What are they trying to hide? [Tastes it]. Right, I think I mis-ordered, this isn't mutton, this is cartilage. Really, really chewy, partially-cooked cartilage. A whole tray of the stuff. We might need to order some more beer. How much should I eat before we declare the review over?"
—That's up to you, but we're going to need to at least make a dent in it [five more minutes and not a great deal of eating pass]. OK, final marks?
“I’m going to award it a four out of 10 in the Simon stakes. Simons are very charitable types, we have to look out for one another, even if the food is abysmal."
1 Houyongkang Hutong, Dongcheng (84012269)
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