Finally, a horoscope that understands your life in China.
Scorpio
10.24-11.22
The bao’an in your building gossips to you about your neighbors. You have no idea why, but it’s helped you realize that you should try to go out and make some more friends. Standing with the bao’an is a weird way to spend a Saturday night no matter where you live.
Sagittarius
11.23-12.21
Your memory is a bit foggy as of late and could either be attributed to getting older or heavy boozing. You should probably start taking more pictures to better remember everything that’s going on. Then again, it’s 2020 so maybe this is a blessing in disguise.
Capricorn
12.22-1.20
Instead of going home after work every day and putting on Netflix, maybe you should take your coworker up on that offer of an after work bite or drink. Go out. Make some friends. We’re not experts, but work plus TV streaming isn’t a recipe for a happy life… Or is it?
Aquarius
1.21-2.19
Why not get paid for your voyeurism and get a job watching the live feed in a quarantine hotel for runners. (We hear there are even cameras inside the rooms.)
Pisces
2.20-3.20
Your sport of choice is darts – too bad you struggle even hitting the board. Fortunately, it’s often played at a bar where most people are well on their way to being bad at darts as well. The bar is also the only place you can find people to listen to your random QAnon conspiracy theories. Most of your friends have decided they’ll leave if you say, “But just listen...” one more time.
Aries
3.21-4.20
November is going to be a trying time for you in the pet department. Your cat or dog will have a few ‘non accidents’ which you know are your baby’s way of expressing their displeasure and not actual accidents. (It’s not that all Aries are animal lovers, it’s just that Aries tend to pick pets with weirdo personalities.)
Taurus
4.21-5.21
You’ve been having a reoccurring nightmare that Mitch McConnell became the King of the United States and did away with democracy entirely. You need to stop reading the news before bed. Also, you’re not even American.
Gemini
5.22-6.21
You’re entering into a new online relationship and you’re super excited, but just be sure to do your due diligence and properly stalk this person on the internet so you know you aren’t being ‘catfished’. Google reverse image search is an excellent tool if you’re meeting some shady people on Tinder. Stay positive, with Venus entering your sign, your love life could be looking up.
Cancer
6.22-7.22
The blender you bought from the second-hand WeChat group broke after the third time using it. While you’re considering contacting the seller to ask for your money back, just chalk it up as a business loss and purchase your next appliance on Singles’ Day.
Leo
7.23-8.23
The odds of you getting out of November without gaining five pounds due to massive over eating brought on by slightly colder weather and Thanksgiving are less than Joanne Marie Jorgensen’s odds of becoming the next president of the US. Do yourself a favor and trade in carbs for crunches.
Virgo
8.24-9.23
After a Halloween fiasco where you maybe drank too much and definitely gossiped to someone who can’t keep their mouth shut, you plan on laying low for the next couple weeks Anchorman-style. Maybe do some online shopping, dresses with pockets and plaid shirts never go out of fashion, or so we’re told.
Libra
9.24-10.23
No-shave November has started, and since your beard can give any lumberjack a run for his money maybe you should shave it off before another year of not shaving. Also, as your hipster vibe is off the charts, it might be time to start a podcast
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