That's Horoscopes: September 2019

By Larold Davidson, September 2, 2019

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Finally, a horoscope that understands your life in China.



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Virgo

8.24-9.23

Your upcoming birthday celebration is going be wild and someone in your fearsome entourage might find themselves in trouble with local law enforcement. Remind your friends to carry their passports with them while engaging in late-night debauchery.


Libra

9.24-10.23

This has always been a hard month for you: You simply love moon cakes too much and your belly always pays the price. This year, try balancing each moon cake with an hour-long walk – you’ll thank us next month when trying to fit into that oh-so-sexy Halloween outfit.


Scorpio

10.24-11.22

We get it, Scorps, you hatin’ riding the metro in the summer time – it stinks, literally. But let’s be real, you can’t afford to cab to work every day, so save yourself some cash and hop on one of Alibaba’s Hellobikes. A little exercise never killed anyone.


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Sagittarius

11.23-12.21

This month, you’ve got to go it alone. You’re freshly single, but that’s okay – this is a great chance to focus on your career goals (you’ll be shocked by how much respect you get when you actually show up to the office on time each day). Download Tantan to fill the emotional void in your life.


Capricorn

12.22-1.20

You’ve been sick this past month, and, let’s be honest – your late-night antics and nonstop drinking and smoking are taking their toll on your health. This month, set a regular bedtime, cut back on the booze and buy yourself a vape. Avoid moon cakes at all costs and instead try and eat an apple a day.


Aquarius

1.21-2.19

This crackdown on unqualified teachers has you understandably concerned about your lack of official paperwork. Accept it: It’s time to go back to school and earn a degree, so that you can pursue your love of teaching in China with peace of mind. Alternatively, develop your own cryptocurrency.


Pisces

2.20-3.20

Disaster strikes this month after you forget to close your office window and a rodent (or two) takes up residence inside. While no one saw you leave the window open, it’s better to claim ownership of the problem and offer to fix it. Buy eight (for luck) rat traps on Taobao and swap the cheese for BBQ pork.


Aries

3.21-4.20

Your ayi will pull a runner this month and disappear back to her hometown without notice. This is a great chance to take responsibility for your living quarters; do your own laundry, wash your dishes and, for God’s sake, flush the damn toilet by yourself.


Taurus

4.21-5.21

You’ve been dating multiple people at the same time and it’s about to blow up in your face. Do what you can to fix hurt feelings and take some time to assess what you really want. Pro tip: Owning multiple cats is a lot of work, but it’s certainly less drama – and the cuddles are almost as good!


Gemini

5.22-6.21

Your success this month will be influenced by the people around you – which means taking a more positive approach to your colleagues. If Sally from sales is behind on her monthly quota, try offering some words of encouragement (and a moon cake!) to keep her motivated. Avoid late-night WeChat rants to your boss.


Cancer

6.22-7.22

Your ruling planet takes center stage this month thanks to Mid-Autumn Festival. This means it’s your time to shine: Buy a fancy new dress (or suit, for the lads) and hit the town looking classy. Eat at least two moon cakes per week till the end of the month.


Leo

7.23-8.23

Well done, Leo, you managed to have a birthday celebration last month that didn’t result in vomit and a lost ATM card – you’re all grown up! Keep the adult-life vibes going this month and toss out all your ratty heavy metal T-shirts. Visit Uniqlo for new clothes and a possible love connection.


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