That's Horoscopes: August 2019

By Naomi Lounsbury, August 1, 2019

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Finally a horoscope that understands your life in China.



With the banning of the Beijing bikini in certain cities, you’re going to be showing off a little less skin this August, Leo. That’s okay though, this is a great chance to replace your ratty, sleeveless Bintang shirt with some classier summer tops.




An old friend could be reentering your life soon. Take time to grab coffee or dinner and catch up. Living in China can warp your perspective, but it’s important to stay connected to friends and family.



You have been spending way too much time glued to your phone. Get out of mobile reception range before your soul is replaced by a 5G cellphone. Go camping. Take a road trip. Hike the local mountains or rice paddies. It is summer, after all.



Your temper may flare this month, provoked by the unrelenting heat or a shifty cabbie or work drama (or all three). Invest in a yoga mat, remember to breathe deeply and avoid whiskey while at your weekly pub quiz. And remember: Even if you win a fight in China, chances are you’re still going to jail.




Despite nearly all your friends having left for summer, August is going to be a very social month for you: cocktail parties, KTV nights and a young professionals’ mixer. Stock up on name cards and condoms and buy yourself a pair of new shoes. If you meet someone whose name starts with the letter ‘T,’ do not add them on WeChat.



You have a real problem with remembering to claim your expenses at work. This month, collect your fapiao and submit them by the deadline. That’s your money, and let’s be honest, you need every penny you can get this month after that July vacation.



You’re thinking about leaving China. You’re not sure if it is the air, the nonstop noise or the fact your boss is absolutely insane. We’re willing to bet it’s none of the above, and that you’ll find your ‘second China wind’ once you stop eating stale mantou for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day.



It’s time for you to take out the garbage that has been there the last few months. If a relationship has turned into emotional baggage, don’t bother recycling, just toss it out. 



Take a couple days off to travel this month, as you’ve become stressed and angry over the past few months of work. If it’s difficult to get days off, you might want to invest in a pair of VR glasses – for mental health purposes.



Side hustles aren’t a bad thing, but be wary of deals that seem too good to be true. If someone offers you a million renminbi to transfer money for them, it’s likely a scam.



Try not to make yourself sick because of extra courses or work during the summer. Pay more attention to your diet and overall health, and perhaps drink a little more of that Chinese cure-all... hot water.



Face it: You got way too worked up over the fact Mulan might be Hakka in the upcoming Disney remake of the classic film. It’s time to stop digesting so much American media and maybe trying watching some Chinese flicks for a change. May we recommend The Wandering Earth.

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