That's Horoscopes: May 2017

By Noelle Mateer, May 2, 2017

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Finally, a horoscope that understands your life in China. 



You’re going through a stressful, anxiety-ridden time. Try some TCM or cupping, or, well, just ask one of the old ladies who hangs out in your neighborhood courtyard – she’ll know what to do. Follow her advice and your troubles will go away by the 16th. 



You’ve been bad lately, and now it’s time to repent. Climb on top of a really tall thing and look out over the city while thinking about your choices. Drink snake baijiu on the 4th and you will find love. Maybe.



You’re searching, questioning, looking for answers. Perhaps you’ll find those answers in a book at a bookstore. Or maybe you won’t – we don’t actually know. Only enter subway stations from the south. 



Your celestial house of intellect is strong this month, so learn something new or study something old. But we hope you aren’t taking the gaokao. The stars spell bad luck if you’re taking the gaokao




You’re in a fighting mood this month. Haggle your rent down, ask for a raise, or challenge a neighbor in your apartment block to a ping-pong match. Wear purple on the 19th or your favorite lamian place will shut down. 



You will accomplish whatever you set out to achieve this May – as long as you set really easy goals. Vow to read one chapter of a book, or to go on one run at the park. Turn around three times before getting into a taxi. 



Your advice from the stars this month is toilet-specific: When using the bathroom at any local dive bar, do not flush your toilet paper. How many times do we have to tell you to put it in the trash? 




Take time to get outside this month – maybe even outside your city (wild, we know). We hear The Great Wall is supposed to be cool. As for inauspicious omens, avoid the mall on weekends. For the rest of your life.



You’re feeling creative this month, so carve out time to express yourself. Consider taking a painting class, or singing loudly in a public park. Do not eat hot pot, or misfortune will befall you. 



You will meet a beautiful stranger at a bar and spend hours conversing under the night sky. Unfortunately that stranger will turn out to be a backpacker, staying in a hostel. Ditch them. 



May is a month of ups and downs for you. Maintain a sense of normalcy by establishing a routine. We suggest starting every day with congee and ending it with niurou fan. Speak only Mandarin under a full moon.



Tell that special someone how you really feel with a romantic dinner or a long walk past all your favorite construction sites. Wear a face mask on the 15th for good luck. 

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