In a city of 24 million people, a typical day is filled with dozens of unexpected interpersonal interactions. While most are unremarkable, there are some – be it an instant attraction, an awkward meetup, or a random hookup – that are anything but ephemeral. This is a fleeting moment that's shared between two sentient beings that can only be described as fate. We don’t always get to say what we want in the blink of an instant, so this is an opportunity to give a shout-out to a special someone, recount a funny story or flaunt a hookup. These are this month's Missed Connections of Shanghai...
Lost-Looking Laowais
We were just two very lost-looking laowais sitting in a Chinese public hospital waiting room, eagerly awaiting our numbers to be called... for hours. Maybe it was the white walls and clinical surroundings highlighting your tanned skin, super blue, hangover-ridden eyes and nervous smile, but I knew I had to have your WeChat. Just as I mustered up the courage to ask for it, your number was called to go have your urine test, and I had to go get an X-ray. You stood up, smiled that adorably nervous smile at me and asked, “Do you know if they do STD tests with this gig, too?”
Spicy Sex
We met up last Saturday at your place, and after a few drinks, things started to get hot and heavy. However, I had to leave in a rush to meet a friend for prearranged plans at Tacolicious, promising to return to your apartment later in the night. At Tacolicious, I made the dangerous decision to do the hot sauce challenge – trying 25 hot sauces in one sitting, from mild to deathly spicy – resulting in the most pain I have ever willingly inflicted upon myself. Due to the fact that I was sweating uncontrollably, my mouth was numb and my stomach felt like I was being shanked, I decided to go home in case I died in the middle of the night. Now that I’ve recovered, I would love to pick up where we left off, just not when I have flames coming out of my butthole.
Humping Hound
I spotted a cute dog at a brunch at Perch, and when I bent down to pet him, I noticed you – his owner – was even cuter. I started playing with your pup and concurrently struck up a conversation with you. After a few minutes of sitting together and chatting, I felt like we were really hitting it off, and your dog clearly felt the same way… about my arm. He stood on the booth seat and humped my forearm nonstop, despite my attempts to politely push him off without detracting from the conversation. I couldn’t take it any longer, especially with you doing nothing to stop it, so I eventually excused myself. Looks like your dog got in all the humping that day for the both of you.
The Hottest Christmas Grinch
I saw you carrying a huge armload full of Christmas decorations out of your apartment at 1am a few night ago as I was returning from a late dinner. Despite the cold, you were just in boxers and sweating. And, despite the fact that Christmas hadn't happened yet, you were throwing them away. I asked if you were ok, and you loudly replied "F*CK CHRISTMAS!" and threw the decorations on the ground, walking away in a huff. I'm Jewish, so I agree; I'm over the Christmas cheer b*llshit. Let's get together and discuss it over a tall glass of Manischewitz.
Shared Bike Graveyard
I walked out of my lanehouse on Wulumuqi to find my scooter totally parked in by other scooters and shared bikes. You saw me struggling to maneuver my scooter out of the mess and came over to offer your help. I’d noticed you before as another lanehouse resident, but we had never spoken until now, and in my flustered state, I declined your offer, saying I could do it, so you started to walk away. Just then, I tried to move another scooter to the side, and I pulled a muscle in my back – dropping the other scooter in the process – and causing a mini domino effect avalanche of other scooters and bikes. You turned back to grab more bikes from falling, but, at this point, I was so embarrassed, that I just screamed out “I’m good, all good, no worries, you can go,” as I stood hunched over from pulling my back, fallen scooters all around me, and actual tears of pain rolling down my cheeks. You, clearly weirded out by the situation, propped up the last bike and backed away, leaving me – and my chances of ever chatting with you again – in a shared bike graveyard.
Rooster Rando
After having one too many at everyone’s favorite drinking hole, The Rooster, I was struggling to use my phone to order a Didi. My gloves were not touchscreen friendly, but in my drunken state, I couldn’t quite work that part out, and I continued rubbing on the screen, cursing Apple for making an iPhone that didn’t work. A gorgeous Asian man, smelling of the perfect mix of hotpot and aftershave, walked over and offered his assistance in the form of ungloved hands. He took my phone, ordered me a car to my saved home address, and helped me get into the cab when it arrived. Although I puked outside my apartment that night, the smell of Sichuan peppercorn that still lingered the next morning reminded me of the handsome stranger who managed to get me home safely.
Christmas Market Crush
I saw you at the Common Rare Market sipping hot cocoa and then again at the BFC Christmas Market slurping grilled oysters. Chocolate and oysters, two very potent aphrodisiacs – I like your style already. You looked so cute in your red puffy jacket and shiny reindeer antler headband at the first market that I couldn’t believe it was really you again, just two hours later, at the second. This had to be fate. However, by the time I had summoned enough mulled wine-inspired liquid courage to go talk to you, you were lost in the red, green and gold decorations covering every surface imaginable. If you are a red coat-sporting lass who loves aphrodisiacs, please please please find me again. Our track record proves that fate is trying to bring us together.
Star-Crossed Jianbing Lovers
I see you every morning getting a jianbing from the lady on Kangding Lu around 8.45am, which, I presume by the way you’re dressed, is on your way to work. I am always heading to F45 at that time and end up getting stuck at the stoplight nearby. Even though the weather is getting colder, and you sometimes cover it up, I love looking for your blonde curly waves peeking out of your winter hat and falling down around your shoulders. Finally, last Tuesday I decided to pop off my bike and grab a jianbing just for a chance to talk to you. I got in line right after you and offered to buy yours. We exchanged pleasantries, joked about how yummy Shanghai street food is, and then you received yours, thanked me and waved goodbye. I learned the hard way that scarfing down an entire jianbing right before an intense workout is not a good idea, but I would do it every day if it meant getting to chat with you.
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Tune in next month to find out if your missed connection is looking for you too!
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