Finally a horoscope that understands your life in China.
Sagittarius
11.23-12.21
If you travel over Christmas, your Chinese boss will send you multiple 60-second voice messages on WeChat that may or may not contain the words ‘laowai’ and ‘fired.’ Book tickets anyway.
Capricorn
12.22-1.20
Something unexpected will happen to you on New Year’s Eve (if your birthday falls on this date, give or take five days, the likelihood it is something bad increases). Do not accept any taxi fapiao.
Aquarius
1.21-2.19
It’s ball season and you’ve spent over RMB3,000 on tickets for you and your friends. Only one problem – you’ll come down with a horrible flu the day of, and will need to find a replacement. Accept all invitations to 400-member group chats in anticipation of this day.
Pisces
2.20-3.20
You forgot to renew your passport and will be stuck in China over the holidays. When you go out, beware of restaurants with long lines and only drink Yanjings.
Aries
3.21-4.20
You will get caught in a windstorm while chasing down your Baidu Waimai order. You will never find the deliveryman. One week later, a box of shrimp dumplings and fried rice will appear on your doorstep. Accept it.
Taurus
4.21-5.21
On Christmas Eve, your air purifier will break, and you’ll have to Skype your family back home while wearing an air mask. This will be depressing as sh*t. Sorry.
Gemini
5.22-6.21
One of the old dudes that hangs out in your neighborhood will offer you a pet cricket. Accept this gift, and feed your cricket well. One day he will grow into China’s best fighting cricket and be valued in the thousands (of RMB).
Cancer
6.22-7.22
If you don’t stop showing up late to work, your coworkers will transpire to get you fired. The solution? Buy a real bike. ‘I couldn’t find any Mobikes’ is no longer an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
Leo
7.23-8.23
Be careful not to shout too many rounds at your Christmas office party – everyone knows you’re generous, but all that holiday shopping (for yourself) has left you too poor to function.
Virgo
8.24-9.23
Nobody will turn up to your ‘Virgo Mary’ party – it’s not you, it’s your cold AF house. Invest in a heater.
Libra
9.24-10.23
You’ve been single for a very long time. So long, that it’s time to ask your neighborhood busybody if she knows of any eligible matches. You will go on several dates at which she will be present.
Scorpio
10.24-11.22
You 'forget' to buy presents for your significant other for the third year in a row. Ice-cold, Scorpio, ice-cold. She responds by telling you to go jump off a bridge into a lake.
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