Logan R. Brouse, proprietor and mixologist of Logan’s Punch, has run bars and clubs in Shanghai for over six years. In between hangovers, he puts pen to paper in his column for That's to record his pontifications on the drink industry.
Blessed is the drunken state. We’ve all been there, or at least seen someone under the influence become one of the following examples I’m about to drop on you - so let me explain Shanghai’s collective sins as I drink several large gins.
1. The Woo-Hoo Girls
I’ll lead with the ladies ‘cause I’m a gentleman like that. Woo-hoo girls are the women that are ready to party, be it a Wednesday night at their favorite bar blasting Jameson picklebacks, dressed up in finery at a ladies’ night on the Bund or drinking out of dick straws at a hen party, these betches go from zero to hyena-inspired “Wooooo-Hoo” as they pound shots and yell out in laughter anytime the cute bartender walks past them. If there are Woo-Hoo girls in the house, they will bring the ruckus. Ages range 23-59.
2. The Sticky Fingers
So there’s been some talk in the city recently about a certain Goose statue getting swiped outside a bar. Rumors and speculation abounded, the couple were caught on camera and later by the police. The rest is speculation. Was there jail time? Deportations? Impoundment inside the AB InBev interrogative torture dungeon?
Whatever the consequences, when people get boozed up they get really into O.P.P. and the problem runs from the fucking stupid (Goose theft), to harmful (scooter/bike theft) to just plain annoying. Like all the people that steal glassware, flasks and other souvenirs of a time they probably won’t remember. Booze lowers inhibitions which can lead to stealing, which is just a slippery slope to eating street meats, jerking off strangers in a dark Jing’an alley and finally the biggest debasement of all: teaching English for money. Just don’t do it.
3. The Sleeping Beauties
This is something I noticed when I was working with the big nightclubs, but I’ve also seen it at my bar as well: a full table of girls and guys halfway into the night and one or two are just passed the fuck out. I remember vividly when Park 97 used to be open – at the end of the night you’d see heaps of P.Y.T.s laid out like Hurricane Hennessey just tore through. If they were passed out at the bar I’d try to shake them awake, but if it was a table then we’d leave them to it because they’re paying thousands of rambos to sleep in a club. Wild.
4. The Wolf Pack
These are the table bros that have meticulously scouted out the best routes to watch girls headed back from the washroom, and they are there only to close. Wolf Packs are the dudes in the club that have money and are ready to spend it, with increasing urgency as pulling time dwindles towards the end of the night. They usually like to alert people to the fact they have paid for a table via blurry WeChat videos of Le Baron or ASL at 2am on a Friday night. Like a pack, their hunting grounds are territorial, and frequently consist of places where Woo-Hoo girls roll through. You’ll see them go from dinner to a bar to whatever lounge/club is hot right now, getting turnt trying to live Drake but just ending up on the floor like David Hasselhoff.
5. Drunk Dads
Once the guys who could be found day drinking heavily during the glory days of Yongkang Lu, nowadays there’s sightings of them on Shaanxi or at boozy brunches, and wherever else children can wait in a corner watching their father figures slowly lose their respect over pints of whatever is cheap. We’re talking shirt off, beer belly out debauchery, with a young’un strapped in his Baby Bjorn along for the ride.
See more of Logan R. Brouse's columns here.
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