2017, 2005, 1993, 1981, 1969, 1957
2017 is your year, quite literally. This year, you can truly be
yourself, and by ‘yourself,’ we mean a right cock. You will get your
bike stolen this year. Don’t watch the CCTV New Year’s Gala if it’s
2006, 1994, 1982, 1970, 1958, 1946
Congratulations: You are man’s best friend! But you are also kind of dumb. While your doggedness will pay off with financial returns this year, we predict trouble in your love life. Tap your nose three times before exercising.
2007, 1995, 1983, 1971, 1959, 1947
Hardship may strike in the sixth lunar month of this year, and pigs may find themselves in muddy situations. But do not give up hope – most crises can be averted simply by avoiding the mall on Saturdays. If anyone can put lipstick on a pig, it’s, well, a pig.
2008, 1996, 1984, 1972, 1960, 1948
Last time it was the Year of the Rat, the greatest US president in living memory was elected, so honestly, this year, just please keep your health intact. We’re going to need you in 2020 (the next Year of the Rat).
2009, 1997, 1985, 1973, 1961, 1949
You’re a beautiful, buxom bovine, and you’re going to slay in 2017 – as long as you don’t wear red on the 13th of any month, that is. As always, avoid anyone who owns covered wagons or has plans to travel to Oregon.
2010, 1998, 1986, 1974, 1962, 1950
As one of the planet’s most fearsome felines and the world’s most popular Singaporean beer, tigers have egos the size of China. This will cause relationship issues in the fall. Don’t talk to cab drivers on Sundays.
2011, 1999, 1987, 1975, 1963, 1951
This year, you will focus on family. Whether or not this means a big move is in the cards for you, we can’t say for sure. What we can say is: Be very careful when entering or leaving the city.
2012, 2000, 1988, 1976, 1964, 1952
An important task will fall to you in the first quarter of the year. Use the opportunity to flex your leadership muscles, and you shall be rewarded – likely with a fat hongbao on the night of the subsequent full moon.
2013, 2001, 1989, 1977, 1965, 1953
Feeling unlucky in love? Well this year, you just might find the love of your life – if you eat Sichuan food on the third of every month. None of this advice applies if you’re already in a committed relationship, sorry.
2014, 2002, 1990, 1978, 1966, 1954
Power is important to you, but 2017 will bring circumstances you cannot control. Hold on to your withering sense of control by dedicating yourself to a cause you believe in, such as child poverty, or telling people ‘GIF’ is pronounced jiff loudly at bars.
2015, 2003, 1991, 1979, 1967, 1955
It is a year for austerity for goats, so stop brunching and start hustling. Discipline is key, for a massive feud with your landlord will result in catastrophic charges later this year. Also: A puppy will come to you bearing what appears to be a gift; do not trust it.
2016, 2004, 1992, 1980, 1968, 1956
Ah, monkey – your year may be over, but your time to shine is not. We suggest starting a live-streaming career, or auditioning for laowai trickmonkey roles on TV. A trip to the jianbing stand may lead to love.