That's Horoscopes: Our Predictions for the Year of the Rooster

By Noelle Mateer, January 25, 2017

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Rooster

2017, 2005, 1993, 1981, 1969, 1957

Rooster, 2017 is your year, quite literally. This year, you can truly be yourself, and by ‘yourself,’ we mean a right cock. You will get your bike stolen this year. Don’t watch the CCTV New Year’s Gala if it’s raining.

Dog

2006, 1994, 1982, 1970, 1958, 1946

Congratulations: You are man’s best friend! But you are also kind of dumb. While your doggedness will pay off with financial returns this year, we predict trouble in your love life. Tap your nose three times before exercising.

201701/pig2.jpg

Pig

2007, 1995, 1983, 1971, 1959, 1947

Hardship may strike in the sixth lunar month of this year, and pigs may find themselves in muddy situations. But do not give up hope – most crises can be averted simply by avoiding the mall on Saturdays. If anyone can put lipstick on a pig, it’s, well, a pig.

Rat

2008, 1996, 1984, 1972, 1960, 1948

Last time it was the Year of the Rat, the greatest US president in living memory was elected, so honestly, this year, just please keep your health intact. We’re going to need you in 2020 (the next Year of the Rat).

Ox

2009, 1997, 1985, 1973, 1961, 1949

You’re a beautiful, buxom bovine, and you’re going to slay in 2017 – as long as you don’t wear red on the 13th of any month, that is. As always, avoid anyone who owns covered wagons or has plans to travel to Oregon.

Tiger

2010, 1998, 1986, 1974, 1962, 1950

As one of the planet’s most fearsome felines and the world’s most popular Singaporean beer, tigers have egos the size of China. This will cause relationship issues in the fall. Don’t talk to cab drivers on Sundays.

Rabbit

2011, 1999, 1987, 1975, 1963, 1951

This year, you will focus on family. Whether or not this means a big move is in the cards for you, we can’t say for sure. What we can say is: Be very careful when entering or leaving the city.

Dragon

2012, 2000, 1988, 1976, 1964, 1952

An important task will fall to you in the first quarter of the year. Use the opportunity to flex your leadership muscles, and you shall be rewarded – likely with a fat hongbao on the night of the subsequent full moon.

Snake

2013, 2001, 1989, 1977, 1965, 1953

Feeling unlucky in love? Well this year, you just might find the love of your life – if you eat Sichuan food on the third of every month. None of this advice applies if you’re already in a committed relationship, sorry.

Horse

2014, 2002, 1990, 1978, 1966, 1954

Power is important to you, but 2017 will bring circumstances you cannot control. Hold on to your withering sense of control by dedicating yourself to a cause you believe in, such as child poverty, or telling people ‘GIF’ is pronounced jiff loudly at bars.

Goat

2015, 2003, 1991, 1979, 1967, 1955

It is a year for austerity for goats, so stop brunching and start hustling. Discipline is key, for a massive feud with your landlord will result in catastrophic charges later this year. Also: A puppy will come to you bearing what appears to be a gift; do not trust it.

Monkey

2016, 2004, 1992, 1980, 1968, 1956

Ah, monkey – your year may be over, but your time to shine is not. We suggest starting a live-streaming career, or auditioning for laowai trickmonkey roles on TV. A trip to the jianbing stand may lead to love.

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