Q: A local musician has a crush on me. My friends want me to go on a date with him, but I’m not interested. Recently, after one of his shows, he approached my friends and I to ask for our numbers. They were excited, I wasn’t. Later that night, my meddling friends messaged him from my phone, saying that I wanted to meet up. He’s been messaging me ever since and I’ve been responding out of politeness, even though I have no intention of dating him. He’s asked to meet up several times and I’ve feigned being busy, but at some point that will no longer work. What’s the best, and most ethical, way to let this guy down?
You know very well that you don’t wish to have a relationship with the musician but you suffer from the difficulty of telling him the truth. Many others share a similar plight.
Confucius advocated that a person should be straight, honest, frank and sincere. In your situation, letting the other person know you’re not interested in him is the inevitable solution.
So, you could say to him: “I’m not interested.” But of course you don’t need to be so blunt. Confucius said there is a way to carefully choose your words. He does not mean you should lie, but when we come across difficult people and situations, we can adopt a different approach.
The idiom yan wei xin sheng means that a person’s words reflect their thinking. You should of course let the musician understand that you're not interested in him. But at the same time, you can still speak to him with respect, as an understanding attitude is also very important. If he accepts your attitude, he will be able to accept your meaning. If he is a bad person, then you need not worry. Confucius said that no good can come from dealing with bad people.
You understand that your opinion is very clear: you don’t want to have contact with the musician, and you definitely don’t wish to have your friends calling the shots for you.
I sincerely hope you will grow through this experience and allow yourself to slowly become older and wiser. As Confucius said: “The wise man is never confused” (Analects, chapter 14).
Wang Xuejun is a lecturer at Beijing Language and Culture University, specializing in Chinese culture. His most recent book is entitled Teaching Methods of Chinese Language and Traditional Culture. Send your ethical dilemma for Professor Wang to bjeditor@urbanatomy.com
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