Battle of the Bands

Bad boys of rock, eat your heart out. Seeing who can trash the most hotel rooms like spoilt brats is how toddlers look for attention. If you want to see people driven to the edge of obsession and insanity by competitiveness, classical is where it’s at. Consider this: most people playing these instruments had loony parents who made them practice until their fingers bled. This is hardcore.

Beethoven Orchestra Bonn

Based in: Bonn, the birthplace of Beethoven. Statues, festivals and ritual sacrifices are all dedicated to the composer.

Featured musician: There are three. Though cellist Trey Lee and pianist Hinrich Alpers are a skilled couple of chaps, beautiful blonde Elina Vahala has got an award-winning pair… of hands, which she uses to play the violin.

Conductor hotness: Stefan Blunier gives more literal meaning to the phrase ‘cheek by jowl.’

Highlight of the night: ‘Symphony No. 8 in F Major,’ the shortest of Beethoven’s symphonies for the ADHD afflicted. // Jan 3. RMB180-1280, 7.30pm.

Leipzig Philharmonic Orchestra

Based in: Leipzig, known for the blood-thirsty animals that inhabit the city. We’re talking about its zoo, of course.

Featured musician: None mentioned. Everybody’s a star. Or nobody.

Conductor hotness: Elahiu von Erlenbach has a nice high forehead, which in physiognomy terms means he’s got a huge… intellect.

Highlight of the night: Brindisi from Verdi’s opera La Traviata. It’s a drinking song so now would be the time to pull out that bottle of Qingdao you brought with you. // Jan 4. RMB180-1280, 7.30pm.

Vienna Strauss Orchestra [Cancelled]

Based in: Vienna, the heartland of schnitzel. People pig out a lot.

Featured musician: Violinist Edvin Marton, joint winner of the Eurovision Song Contest in 2008. Beat that Itzhak Perlman.

Conductor hotness: Also Edvin Marton, who gets bonus points for youth and a full head of hair that looks as silky as a little girl’s.

Highlight of the night: The Blue Danube, famously used in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Feel free to dock your shuttle in any neighboring space stations during the performance. // Jan 5. RMB100-880, 7.30.

Milan Symphony Orchestra

Based in: Milan, Expo 2015’s site. Also has less consequential stuff like La Scala opera house, fashion shows and a couple of football teams.

Featured musician: Tenor Roberto Costi has that large chest so common to powerful operatic singers able to explode a pineapple at 20 paces.

Conductor hotness: If you squint while looking at Ovidiu Balan, he looks a bit like Beethoven in his twilight years.

Highlight of the night: The Toreador Song from Bizet’s Carmen. Nothing like a swarthy, burly man singing about bullfighting to get one in the mood for a fist fight during the interval. // Jan 6. RMB100-880, 7.30pm.

Shanghai Oriental Symphony Orchestra

Based in: Shanghai, our very own city, where McDonald’s delivers and the sun is always shining… through a thick cloud of smog.

Featured musician: Piano prodigy Nariya Nogi looks so young you just want to run up and pinch his little cheeks, grandma-style.

Conductor hotness: Piero Romano is everything an Italian stallion should be – rugged and full of pasta carbs.

Highlight of the night: ‘Piano Concerto No. 1 in E-flat Major’ by Lizst, showing off both Japanese Nogi’s piano expertise and Romano’s baton-waving finesse. // Jan 7. RMB80-680, 7.30pm.

All performances are taking place at the Shanghai Oriental Art Center, 425 Dingxiang Lu, by Shiji Dadao 丁香路425号, 近世纪大道 (4006 466 406)