Finally a horoscope that understands your life in China.
Cancer
6.22-7.22
Be careful with your food choices this month; that jianbing you’re craving might turn out to be about as trustworthy as that guy yelling “Taxi? Taxi?” at you as you exit the airport. Play it safe and avoid street eats until at least August.
Leo
7.23-8.23
Summertime is here! You know what that means? Let the office thermostat wars begin! The competition is fierce this year, so plan to be extra devious and hide the remote. Janet in marketing will hate you, but comfort is king!
Virgo
8.24-9.23
Stop naming your students Candy, Cherry, Lola and Brandy. While you may think it’s funny to give your new students stripper names, the other teachers in your office are getting annoyed at your lack of creativity. To be fair, Candy Number Four is also annoyed that there are three other Candys already.
Libra
9.24-10.23
You aren’t sure if it’s the trade war, the rising cost of food or just the economy, but several of your favorite haunts have increased their prices. You’re confused and unsure about what to do with yourself. But don’t worry, your local 7-Eleven still has fish balls and chicken patties on the cheap.
Scorpio
10.24-11.22
Slow down, Scorps, you had a heavy June at the office. While many companies in China will tell you differently, quality is more valuable than speed. Take your time and do it right the first time. Also, July is a great time to adopt another cat.
Sagittarius
11.23-12.21
The Sagittarius sun sign is expected to have good relations with family and friends this month, so be sure to Skype-call mom and dad at least once this month. Alternatively, treat your ayi to a nice Italian meal.
Capricorn
12.22-1.20
Your career might take an unexpected turn this month, and it could have something to do with how much you’ve been sticking your foot in your mouth recently. Never fear, you still have a week’s vacation saved up and silent retreats in Thailand are just a short plane ride away. Don’t miss this chance to make yourself better (read: less boisterous).
Aquarius
1.21-2.19
Busy is your middle name this month, as your side hustles start paying off. While you may have constant panda-eye syndrome from lack of sleep, you’ll feel like you are finally making progress after years of doing the expat drift.
Pisces
2.20-3.20
Stop being so gosh-darn sensitive. So what if server at the corner store ignored you in favor of the lady who cut in front of you in line. Who cares if that restaurant hostess doesn’t respond to your texts. These things don’t mean these people hate you. They are just trying to do their jobs.
Aries
3.21-4.20
This is the month you put procrastination behind you and start writing that ‘I’m an expat in China’ book you’ve talked about for so many years. But remember, success won’t come from simply retelling all the juicy details of your sex life. Also, your mom won’t be thrilled.
Taurus
4.21-5.21
With the closure of your favorite bar, you may get a bit of summertime depression and China may feel cold and unwelcoming. Turn that frown upside down, though, by hitting one of the city’s outstanding outdoor pools – drink in hand, of course – with your besties.
Gemini
5.22-6.21
While alcohol is a legal drug and considered healthy in moderation, the quantities you’ve been consuming are no longer within that acceptable range. Mercury is in retrograde this month, which provides you with the perfect chance to cut back and avoid peeing the bed. Again.
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