27-year-old Chongqing man Zhang Xiaowei paid a visit to the hospital yesterday with an upset stomach, but when staff proceeded to take a blood sample for testing what they extracted looked more like the product of a liposuction than a blood analysis.
Within the syringe was a thin ribbon of blood engulfed by a hefty mass of oil. Since the start of the World Cup, Zhang had been spending night after night watching the late-night matches and gorging on greasy snacks and beer throughout. After ten days of this behavior, his cholesterol levels were eight times that of a normal person — he was literally bleeding grease.
Doctors said that Zhang’s was a textbook case of acute pancreatitis caused by overconsumption of high-fat, high-protein foods and alcohol, adding that there was “no need for further testing.”
Don’t forget your five-a-day, dear reader.
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