The older we get, the harder we find it to buy unique gifts for loved ones. Nowhere is quite as ‘unique’ (mild description) as the ecommerce safari known as Taobao. We spent the past few days trawling the weird, wonderful and disturbing recesses of the online shopping site for gifts that will astonish your friends and family this Christmas.
You’re welcome.
1. Portable Urinal
Image via Taobao
Have a friend with a small bladder who also happens to be a road warrior? If so, this portable bathroom might be the gift for them. Suitable for both men and women, we dare you to give it a try on your next taxi ride – you won’t.
Good for: Small bladders, people on-the-go who have ‘to go’
Price: RMB19-48
To purchase, search ‘应急小便器’ on Taobao.
2. Avocado Handwarmer
Image via Taobao
This is the classic 'take something boring and make it less boring' product. How can you make handwarmers fun? Ah! Let’s shape it like an avocado. Arguably the best part about gifting this present is that the giftee won’t have a clue what this device is for. “Just turn it on.” “It’s an avocado, Greg.”
Good for: Avocado lovers, cold hands
Price: RMB68-78
To purchase, search ‘牛油果充电宝暖手’ on Taobao.
3. The Manly Pillow
Image via Taobao
Husband away on a business trip again? Don’t have a partner but find yourself desiring a real hunk to hold you through the night? If so, this pillow is the perfect gift for you or that lonely soul in your friend circle. The manly hulk-like cushion comes with half an eight-pack, big pecks and buff arms to make you feel safe (or silly).
Good for: Breakups, desperate times
Price: RMB38
To purchase, search ‘男朋友手臂造型肌肉男毛’ on Taobao.
4. Finger-Controlled Drone
Image via Taobao
While we can’t guarantee this product will last long, the finger-controlled drone will certainly provide some fun entertainment as you try (and fail) to control it. How well does it work? Just ask this family below…
Image via Taobao
Good for: Hand-eye coordination, killing time
Price: RMB129-174
To purchase, search ‘玩具男孩10岁以上抖音同款7男童12小孩6生日11网红’ on Taobao.
5. Realistic Bum Bag
Image via Taobao
Taking your valuables out with you and worried about pickpockets? Say no more. This trendy bumbag covers security and fashion all in one! This eye-catching masterpiece will guarantee all eyes are on you and securely keep your items to hand. You’re unlikely to bump into someone with a similar style bag too!
Good for: festival goers, people without shame
Price: RMB29.90
To purchase, search ‘恶搞怪生日礼物送创意’ on Taobao.
6. Instant Noodle Purse
Image via Taobao
We’ve seen instant noodles being used to fix furniture and pesky holes, now the iconic noodle pattern is being used as inspiration for women’s purses. Our only question: Why did it take so long?
Good for: Foodie fashionistas, one-off social media posts
Price: RMB39.9
To purchase, search ‘方便面挎包’ on Taobao.
7. Smartphone Table
Image via Taobao
We for one love our smartphone. Gone are the days of furniture being made to resemble old books; bleugh, what a horrible idea. Give praise to the smartphone industry with this table and establish it with pride of place in your living room so your friends know you’re hip.
Good for: People who literally have everything, phone addicts
Price: RMB1,598-1,798
To purchase, search ‘威雷泰欣现代’ on Taobao.
8. Eye Massager
Image via Taobao
Another perfect gift for the phone addict in your life. After spending all day scrolling through your moments on WeChat, checking out the trending topics on Weibo and giggling at all the bizarre gizmos that Taobao has to offer, sit back, relax and let this machine massage your eyes. This doesn’t scare us at all.
Good for: Risk-takers, phone addicts
Price: RMB399
To purchase, search ‘眼睛按摩’ on Taobao.
9. Blood-Stained High Tops
Image via Taobao
Are you a butcher who spends too much time slaughtering chicken and pigs? Running through your favorite pair of shoes at a rate of knots? With these super-stylish, not-disturbing trainers, you can now explain away those blood stains. Now you just have to wait for blood-spattered T-shirts and jeans to come into style.
Good for: Butchers, CSI fanatics
Price: RMB99
To purchase, search ‘血迹斑斑高帮爆改鞋子’ on Taobao.
10. Men’s Velvet Frog Pullover
Image via Taobao
Had enough of 2020? Ever just feel like you don’t really want to face people? We’ve got you. This fashionable frog style hoodie (padded with velvet for warmth) not only makes you the most fashionable, but also offers a zip hood. When it gets too much, just zip up and get out. Thank us later.
Good for: People who have had enough of 2020, frog fans
Price: RMB68-191.90
To purchase, search ‘青蛙连帽套头卫衣男加绒加厚’ on Taobao.
11. Pikachu Art
Image via Taobao
This piece of cross stitch embroidery is masterfully done to give Pikachu an awesomely realistic appearance. It is an ideal gift for a loved one or friend when you just aren’t sure what to get them. And let’s be honest, who doesn’t need the sultry face of the most-beloved Pokemon ever looking down on them as they entertain. Invite your mother-in-law over for tea to truly enjoy the power of this piece of art.
Good for: Home decoration, inciting your mother-in-law’s rage
Price: RMB39
To purchase, search ‘钻石画2019年新款满钻皮卡丘5D比卡超十字绣’ on Taobao.
12. Cat Hats and Glasses
Image via Taobao
Just like their owners, cats like to look their best at all times. These funky fresh hats are guaranteed to make them feel at the top of their game, without exhausting any one style. Starting at only RMB12.15, there’s no reason not to buy the whole collection so your beloved can rock a new look every day of the working week. Don’t be misled by the photos, these cats are smising (smiling with their eyes) on the inside.
Good for: cats, children with small heads (maybe)
Price: RMB12.15-28.85
To purchase, search ‘可爱猫咪头套帽子’ on Taobao.
13. The Ultimate Cigarette Pillow
Image via Taobao
Many people like to start the new year giving up old habits. Ready to kick the smoking habit to the curb but going to miss having a pack to hand? You don’t need to worry with this oversized cigarette pillow with removable cigarette! You can keep all the fun for the new year without the lung disease and looming death.
Good for: cuddles and people who want to keep their doctors happy
Price: RMB45
To purchase, search ‘圣诞适合送男友’ on Taobao.
For more ‘Hot on Taobao,’ click here.
This article was first published in 2019 and has been updated on December 17, 2020.
[Cover image via Unsplash]
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