Finally, a horoscope that understands your life in China.
Libra
9.24-10.23
Congrats on making it another year, Libra, you amiable, tactful and imaginative beauty. Now down to brass tacks: You need to stop being so paranoid about everything – your roommates are not plotting to steal your Wang Leehom poster from above your bed. Have a birthday shot of baijiu, toss on some Between Two Ferns and CTFO.
Scorpio
10.24-11.22
This month’s Libra planetary energy has you feeling irritable, but never fear, Scorps – this is exactly what 24-hour spas are for. There is no need to have a drunken breakdown out front of the bar at 2am, get in that taxi – go, NOW!
Sagittarius
11.23-12.21
There is a new moon on the 13th, meaning there has never been a better time to dedicate yourself to a new project. Start wearing protection, or, if that seems like too much work, start attending Chinese lessons again. If neither of those toot your horn, do what every nerd in Shenzhen is doing and start your own cryptocurrency.
Capricorn
12.22-1.20
Your boss is going to be keeping a close eye on you this month, but that’s okay – training centers are basically one big jungle gym. Show him/her what you are made of: Show up on time, don’t drink on the job and, for effs sake, do not do drugs in China.
Aquarius
1.21-2.19
While the saying goes ‘don’t wear white after Labor Day,’ you probably shouldn’t wear white ever, because it’s so hard to clean and the kids are just going to get crayon all over it anyway. To keep mental balance, we recommend starting a coin collection.
Pisces
2.20-3.20
Neptune is in the cards this month, and that means you’re going to be hell bent on pursuing your spiritual desire to move improve our world. While we agree this is a good state of mind, stop yelling at grannies budging in line at the bus stop. Buy solar panels on Taobao instead.
Aries
3.21-4.20
Independence is key this month, which means you need to start eating what you want for lunch. No more tagging along with Sam and Carl for McDonald’s. Do yourself a favor and hit that jianbing stall you always pass on your way to the metro – we know you won’t regret it.
Taurus
4.21-5.21
Expect your workload to double this month, thanks to that pesky (but ohso- epic) week-long National Day holiday. Don’t worry, though, you’re resourceful and 7-Eleven plays host to a never-ending supply of Red Bull. Drink six cups of hot water per day to maintain ‘healthy.’
Gemini
5.22-6.21
This month you’ll find yourself mentally torn between romance, creative pursuits and corner store beers. Neglect all three urges and instead purchase a turtle – they’re good for fengshui. Does this sound like silly advice? Sure. It is. But is it any sillier than last month’s? Nope.
Cancer
6.22-7.22
Your home base is no more. Your landlord has had enough of the late-night parties, balcony barbecues and lost-key debacles – you’re out. Don’t fret though, your office has a couch for a reason and there are enough leftover mooncakes there to sustain a fullgrown Asian elephant for a year.
Leo
7.23-8.23
Look, Leo, we get it – you enjoy a bit of spice both in your romantic life and on the palate. But remember, your VIP card to your favorite Chinese restaurant won’t save you from the ‘spicy belly’ (la duzi) afterwards. Just to be safe this month, drink a bit of yogurt or milk before eating the four chili dishes just to prove you can.
Virgo
8.24-9.23
Your word this month is yuanfen, fate in its most devious sense. You may meet someone special or do something epic, so be thankful for what may look like coincidence… but may be the hand of fate. (While we’re on the subject, is it coincidence or fate that China is the furthest place from your parents?)
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