Q: My parents divorced two years ago when my father left the family for another woman. He is wealthy but only provides us with minimal financial support. I’m old enough to support myself but my mother’s salary is small, so it is hard for her and my younger brother (who must work long hours to pay for his university tuition, and his grades are worse accordingly). I’ve spoken to my father but he is defensive and refuses to believe that he’s treating us unfairly. He’ll visit me in Beijing next month – do I raise the issue again? And if so, what’s the best way to do it? How can I be a good daughter to my father and a good sister to the rest of my family?
A: You have asked three questions but the most important question is ‘how to be a good daughter?’ The answer is: by respecting your father.
According to traditional Chinese ethics, the parent-child relationship is based on fucizixiao (filial piety: ‘benevolent father, loving son’).
Confucius emphasizes that filial piety means, in practice, showing respect for one’s parents (Analects, chapter 2:7), while maintaining a pleasant attitude (Analects, chapter 2:8). But I know that in many parent-child relationships, it can be hard to fulfill both of these requirements, which often breeds resentment.
Confucius explicitly says: “Do not resent your parents” (Analects, chapter 4:18). But what happens when parents are in the wrong? Your obedience and piety should not be inviolable qualities (Analects, chapter 2:5). You can, for example, point out problems and discourage your parents in tactful ways. But remember: if your parents disagree, you must continue to respect them without complaint (Analects, chapter 4:18).
This applies to all of your questions. Your father really has done wrong! But do you want to be a good daughter? If so, you must go down the path of filial piety. He may remain unchanged, but your relationship with him will take an important step. If you act with love and show your father respect there’s more chance he’ll change his ways.
I know you love your mother and your brother, but you must also love your father. In doing so, you can become a role model for your younger sibling. Filial piety can be difficult to follow in the modern world, I know, but it is the right choice.
Wang Xuejun is a lecturer at Beijing Language and Culture University, specializing in Chinese culture. His most recent book is entitled Teaching Methods of Chinese Language and Traditional Culture. Send him your ethical dilemma via bjeditor@urbanatomy.com
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