Finally, a horoscope that understands your life in China.
Taurus
4.21-5.21
Come on Taurus! You need to put those social distancing skills to use and avoid shaking hands with every person you meet. This is the ‘new normal’ and things may never go back to the ‘good ol’ days.’ Whatever that even means.
Gemini
5.22-6.21
The planets are saying that May could be a lucky month for you. Use that luck and buy a China Welfare Lottery scratch ticket. Or better yet, go to Macao. That is, of course, if you’re allowed to enter.
Cancer
6.22-7.22
You miss traveling. You miss cooking for your friends. One thing you know you’re not going to miss: quarantining. But the day will come when you and the squad hit the road for a much-needed adventure.
Leo
7.23-8.23
Despite the travel ban, you will find a new life partner. Our reading of the planets is not exact, but everything from the Sun to the position of Saturn points toward this romantic outcome. Also, be wary of any Sagittarius who come into your life unexpectedly, their motives aren’t as pure as you’d think.
Virgo
8.24-9.23
More and more people have been giving you the side glance as you walk down the street with your face mask on. There are two possible explanations for this: You accidentally wiped ketchup on your face mask or you’re a foreigner living in China. Either way, just tell them you’re not a virus – 60% of the time, it works every time.
Libra
9.24-10.23
You’ve counted the numbers. You’ve done the math. You’ve even consulted the stars (for all the help that brought you, amirite?). Unfortunately, May is not going to be your best month. But stay positive, and avoid hanging out with that weirdo conspiracy theorist, Aquarius.
Scorpio
10.24-11.22
In light of what’s taken place across the globe, you’ve discovered what matters most: universal health coverage, free college tuition, paid maternity and paternity leave and free mental health counseling. Yeah, we know it’s a tall order. Will it ever come to fruition? You bet your universal basic income it will.
Sagittarius
11.23-12.21
May will be your month to shine... online! Starting a dance class on Zoom or a new vlog might be just the thing you need to begin feeling like your energetic, outgoing self again. Also, be extra friendly to any Leos you meet – a new best friend could be just around the corner.
Capricorn
12.22-1.20
Your fatalist attitude towards COVID-19 will help you get through this month with little to no panic. In your mind, you’ve already accepted your fate on whether the virus will come for you. Better stay indoors, Capricorn.
Aquarius
1.21-2.19
Stop sifting through conspiracy theories on the internet and get back to work. The online community was always a space dominated by keyboard warriors, and this pandemic has only exacerbated that fact. Best to avoid Facebook and Weibo this month.
Pisces
2.20-3.20
Go for a run. Do a home workout or hit the gym if you’re actually allowed to enter. Go do some form of physical fitness or May will be a depressing month for you. Exercise is the only thing that will keep you sane in this trying time. Mars, Mercury and the Sun are all combining forces to make this the best May in years.
Aries
3.21-4.20
You haven’t worn a bra or laced-up your shoes in a month. You’re thinking of buying Crocs online because they’re starting to look cool and functional. But before you make a rash decision, consult your friend Siri. Siri has never led you astray.
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