Finally a horoscope that understands your life in China.
Libra
9.24-10.23
People around you are going to be weirdly positive and supportive this month. Roll with it and accept any unexpected and lavish gifts you receive. To keep the good luck coming, send out RMB1 hongbaos to be split between the members of all your WeChat groups.
Scorpio
10.24-11.22
Beijing is packing up its restaurants for Golden Week. If you want to eat, you’ve got to pick up that knife and spoon you have taped together in your sink, plug in your fridge and finally do some cooking. Check out some tasty vegan recipes from Veggie Mama – you’ll have everyone impressed.
Sagittarius
11.23-12.21
You’ll see some long-lost Beijing friends this month. Don’t worry, they haven’t seen you in a while and don’t know how wrong your life has gone. Treat them to some (almost expired) mooncakes and make sure they chase it with 7-Eleven’s finest baijiu to distract the odd taste.
Capricorn
12.22-1.20
OK, so, Didi is clearly not a good idea for you this month (we didn’t say Mercury retrograde, you did). Frightful bad luck will follow you if you do not heed this warning. Premier business vans though, weirdly, will not be an issue for you.
Aquarius
1.21-2.19
The moon, sun and all the stars are in Aquarius this month. Do absolutely anything you like and it will most definitely go well for you. Except for going to bars in Houhai (you must never go to bars in Houhai). Swing by the new Jing-A Taproom, finally, and treat yourself to a brew or two.
Pisces
2.20-3.20
Damn it, fish! Yet again, you’re too late to book flights for the October holiday. Book next year’s trip this month then sit back and breathe in the delightful, government-sanctioned weather. There is literally nothing else for you to do.
Aries
3.21-4.20
Your VPN this month will be as unreliable as your performance at work. Due to a solar eclipse we are confidently predicting, your Netflix account will be even less reliable. Invest RMB20 in an iQiyi account now – you’ll thank us later.
Taurus
4.21-5.21
Tauruses all over Beijing will be celebrating this month. New job? 70th anniversary? Mosquito-bite-free for the last week? Get down to Migas Mercado and rejoice in CBD style. You can afford it.
Gemini
5.22-6.21
You’ll soon tire of all your friends outstepping you on WeChat’s WeRun mini-app. Strap on your Feiyues and walk everywhere this month. Convenience store? Easy. Work? Not that far. The new Daxing airport? You can do it!
Cancer
6.22-7.22
All the traveling you’ve been doing recently has really left a dent in your wallet. Ever the resourceful Cancer, answer all dodgy cold calls you receive from telemarketers and keep them on the line long enough to make up for the Chinese classes you can’t afford.
Leo
7.23-8.23
As the ultimate fire sign, you tend to be a bit of a hoarder. This month, a new moon means a new you. Call the Roundabout donations service to pick up your old stuff. We won’t judge you when you’re weeping into your Taobao at midnight, replacing all the things you’ve just cleared from your life.
Virgo
8.24-9.23
As the saying goes, laughter is the best medicine. Keep that in mind when you’re struck down by a mild illness in the near future and have no idea how the Beijing hospital system works. Attend a Comedy Club China show at The Bookworm and you’ll be feeling better in no time.
0 User Comments