Finally a horoscope that understands your life in Beijing.
Gemini
5.22-6.21
Romance is in the air and after last month’s home renovations, it’s time to invite that shuai ge you’ve been seeing round to your place. Remember to stash your copies of That’s Beijing, though, so he doesn’t catch you following horoscopes.
Cancer
6.22-7.22
Reach for the (smog-obscured) stars, climb every mountain (in Hebei), follow your heart’s desire (as long as it’s not someone you met at Temple) – that’s when all your dreams will come true. Delete all late-90s pop from your KTV playlist.
Leo
7.23-8.23
Drama ensues after your significant other accuses you of not having any Chinese friends (your ayi doesn’t count). Chat up random locals on the street, but give up after failing to understand a single word of their heavy Beijing accent.
Virgo
8.24-9.23
Take a summer class, but learn something “cultural” like how to make hand-pulled noodles. Never mind that you suck at cooking and only excel at eating – you are totally on your way to becoming the next Fuschia Dunlop.
Libra
9.24-10.23
Existential dread sets in – consider doing ‘good’ by quitting your corporate job in Guomao and joining an NGO, but then remember that you live in China. Think about living a nihilistic life instead, but then remember that you live in China.
Scorpio
10.24-11.22
With the ‘no waste’ movement taking off in Beijing, it’s time to ditch the waimai and fill up that reusable bag with organic vegetables. Just kidding – they’re probably not organic, according to recent news. But hey, at least you tried.
Sagittarius
11.23-12.21
Depression sets in after your realize that all your friends want to meet in Lido for brunch now, and with their kids, instead of Fangjia Hutong, like the good old days. Time to grow up? Never.
Capricorn
12.22-1.20
Get in shape by joining your local running club in Chaoyang Park (try Moka Bros or Tribe’s) – but rein in that competitive streak; Everyone knows you’re a goat, Capricorn, but that doesn’t mean you always have to be GOAT.
Aquarius
1.21-2.19
This month is all about experimentation. Go to one of those EDM pool parties happening out past the Fourth Ring Road. Try stinky tofu or baijiu – or both! Swipe right to someone whose profile pic is of him or her holding a big fish.
Pisces
2.20-3.20
Is the constant construction outside your hutong getting you down? Just remember that the alternative is moving into a nice modern apartment in Sanlitun, which, on second thought, actually sounds kinda nice. Start saving now.
Aries
3.21-4.20
It is time to stage an intervention with your live-streaming wannabe wanghong roommate – because ain’t nobody got time to be woken up by their off-tune singing at 3am. Do 10 push-ups a day to prepare for the confrontation.
Taurus
4.21-5.21
You are feeling surprisingly chill this month. Good for you – it’ll come in handy after your landlord kicks you out after receiving one-too-many noise complaints from your laobeijing hutong neighbors. Oops.
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