What Would Confucius Do? is a regular feature where we apply age-old Confucian wisdom to modern dilemmas.
Q: I’ve known my best friend since middle school. Recently, we both moved to different cities, and I’m afraid we’re growing apart. As we’ve matured, she’s become more quiet and traditional, while I’m now more outgoing and adventurous. I’m very happy with my current lifestyle, but my friend seems to disapprove of me partying and traveling so much. Lately I’ve totally stopped sharing stories with her – which is the first time I’ve ever kept secrets from her. As we don’t live in the same city, I’m not forced to confront this issue daily. But when we next see each other, should I discuss this with her? What should I do about our changing relationship?
A: At all times and in all places, there is nothing more important than friendship. But if you have come across difficulties, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Confucius said that people who treat others with forgiveness have the ability to enjoy fair and reasonable interpersonal relationships.
Your friend has judged you, but you have to be the bigger person and refrain from also judging. Confucius said: “If your views are different, do not try to negotiate with each other” (Analects, 15-40). If your preferred lifestyle is the complete opposite of your friend’s, you should avoid touching upon these matters. If you keep certain stories to yourself, your friendship will remain intact.
There must be other activities you can enjoy together. So, next time you see each other, try to talk about more interesting things.
Virtuous people are unlikely to go along with what somebody else says without thinking for themselves. Confucius said: “The gentleman aims at harmony, and not at uniformity. The cruel man aims at uniformity, and not at harmony” (Analects, 13-23).
Confucius challenges the idea that people should suppress their own principles and become ‘yes-men’ as a result. Therefore, the fact that you and your friend have different ideas is not a big problem in itself.
Confucius said: “To make friends with the honest, the trustworthy in word, and the well-informed is to benefit” (Analects, 16-4). Of course you want to cherish your friendship. Do not give up so easily, even though both of you have changed. Plus, along the way you may meet many new friends.
Wang Xuejun is a lecturer at Beijing Language and Culture University, specializing in Chinese culture. His most recent book is titled Teaching Methods of Chinese Language and Traditional Culture.
[Image via Hello Giggles]
0 User Comments